15
Nov
10

Update: Full Disclosure

Well, I learned that there are those that read my blog. Who knew? The stats said 0 views for so long, I had no clue people were actually reading it because I stopped checking! So, when back in April, I began having marital issues with my husband, I blogged about it. I blogged about a personal issue that, perhaps, in hindsight should have remained private and off the web. However, I’ve never been known for my “private” life being private.

Well, now that it’s out there, there’s been some misrepresentation of a few things about what my original post titled “Full Disclosure” actually said. And some people are questioning my Christianity because of the “status” of my marriage.

1.      I never said the Bible said it was okay to cheat on your spouse.

2.      I never made reference to any Bible quotations and/or my religious faith in the original post.

3.      I never said that we had acted upon our original intent to have an open relationship.

4.      I never said that I wanted to act upon that intent NOW or back in April.

In fact, what I *did* say was that it had been our original intent. I had wanted a one-sided open relationship whereupon I was free to “date” someone else. This, at the time of our getting together, did not imply SEX, necessarily. You see, I had other friends at the time. I did not want to give up those friends for someone I had met online. I didn’t want to give up my friends for someone who may or may not stay with me. I had severe insecurities when it came to personal relationships (still do, to a degree). I wanted a safety-net of sorts. That is why *I* wanted an open relationship when Jerry came to Massachusetts to see if we’d get on as a couple.

These others friends of mine, by the by, were not actual sexual partners. I can count my sexual partners on one hand, can you?

But, at the time, I was exploring my sexuality and fantasies. I am a human being and yes, the topic of multiple male partners for me came up. I was in my early 30’s. Jerry, being a secure male, had no problem with allowing that because he knew I’d be faithful to him in my heart. That is all that he cared about. You could call this “clause” to our relationship a sort of test for me. I wanted to see how much he loved me and how much he’d let me “get away” with. There was a small bit of that thrown into the psychological basis for my desire.

Part of the reason the fantasy held appeal to me was that I crave attention. I like attention because it makes me feel special. It makes me feel wanted and appreciated. It makes me feel like that ARSEHOLE from my past was WRONG and I was RIGHT. There are all kinds of attention and I try to stay within a certain type: healthy. Occasionally I veer off that path. This was one of those occasions.

The idea that there is more than one guy out there who would find me appealing and “want” me was a heady feeling. It spoke to my ego. It spoke to the hurt little girl inside of me. It made me feel better. Right or wrong, that is what that was.

I can’t speak for Jerry about this but I have my suspicions. I think at that time in his life, he’d accept any clauses and conditions on a relationship if he could find someone who loved him for who he was—faults and all, too. He’d been divorced and had moved or visited several different women since his divorce was finalized and he had come out of that Abyss. They hadn’t worked out for various reasons (namely, they were not me). I think it was getting to HIS ego that these relationships kept falling through. Maybe he was afraid he didn’t have “it” anymore and so he’d better find someone and hang on—even if it meant being “okay” with an open relationship.

Once we met in person and began dating, there was no one else. Not for either one of us. We were busy falling in love and I found out a wonderful thing: Given proper healthy attention was just fine with me. I didn’t NEED these other guys, so why try for any more? I had all I needed in a mate. The subject didn’t come up again for us at that time.

Fast forward a few years and things were getting bumpy. We’d begun fighting again (there were initial fights as there are often are in MY relationships, because I tend to push, and Jerry pushed back). This time though wasn’t about pushing him away just to avoid getting hurt. It wasn’t about my insecurities. I had some real issues with our marriage: lack of attention. There were other issues but this is in direct relation to the topic at hand.

We used to engage each other in discussions of politics, religion, history and psychology and sociology and so on. We’d watch movies together. We’d watch the news and yell at the screen together. We’d go on “lunch dates” when the kids were in school. He had even taken to playing cards with me at one point. And then, bam, all that had ended and I didn’t know why. I should have as I had been here before in my previous marriage.

Of course I thought the problem was me, as I did at the time of my first marriage. As I explained in my original post, there were sexual issues as well at that time. If I’m getting attention of the kind mentioned in the above paragraph, I don’t even think about the sex issue. That was something Jerry didn’t understand. He thought if he paid attention (or gosh forbid, cuddled on the couch with me), I’d expect bedroom activity. He wanted to avoid that at all costs, it seemed. At the time, I had no clue why and again, as I originally stated in my post, I took something he had said and twisted it to be what I thought I’d heard instead of what he ACTUALLY said to me. Maybe it’s the auditory processing issue? Yeah, we’ll go with that *grins*

At any rate, he was speaking about the sex issue and I was speaking about the attention issue. And he brought up the fact that we had once said we’d have an open relationship. I thought that meant he didn’t want me—not even as a person to spend time with watching TV or playing cards. I thought he meant he just wanted a roommate. He thought I was talking about sex and he could NOT do that (health issues). So, as a fix, Jerry thought he’d let me “date” others. He’d be a nice guy and give me what I “wanted.” Except that isn’t what I was saying. LOL..

 

I laugh now about the misunderstanding. At the time it broke my heart. Strange how feelings and desires and thoughts change, no?

In my original post, about Jerry’s idea, I was journaling to get my head around it. During that post, I made mention SEVERAL times those issues I had with doing the open marriage thing. See, I was okay with the IDEA of an open RELATIONSHIP. I have problems/issues/concerns with an open MARRIAGE.

Marriage is quite different than a relationship, wouldn’t you say? Sure, it’s “only” a piece of paper to some people. To me, it means a whole lot more. Til death do we part. What God has put together, let no man rent asunder. We’re talking commitment to ONE person, here. We’re talking a HUGE deal here. I don’t enter marriage lightly. My faith dictates that it not be so. After all, if you’re not ready to commit to a single individual, why get married??

Ah, and that’s where some people would question me. How could I possibly think pre-marital sex and group sex and open relationships, etc et al is okay if I’m a Christian? When did I ever say it was okay for a Christian to do ANY of this? I have never said it was “okay” with Jesus. That was one of my issues, after all, with an open MARRIAGE.

But here’s some breaking news for you people: I’m a human being. I have faults. I fall off the path occasionally. I get weird thoughts and ideas. Sometimes I act on them. Sometimes I do not. Okay, most of the time I don’t act on them. But aren’t they sure fun to think about?  (Another post on lustful thinking being a ‘sin’ will be forthcoming).

I do not say I’m a Christian just to say it. I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe in the Trinity of God, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe Mary conceived a child without sex! Is it so hard to fathom I might think it is okay to have an open relationship? And somehow justify it against my religious beliefs? Of course I could and did. It’s quite easy and humans have been doing it since the dawn of religion.

I’m not perfect. I never said I am. In fact, in another blog post, I said I am NOT perfect. I know I have faults and flaws. It’s part of my charm!

For those readers who are actual friends of mine and care about my general well-being, I am happy to report that Jerry and I are doing better. We’re not where I’d like us to be yet, but as I ended the post in April, I do have hope. Hope is something I did NOT have with my first husband. I didn’t give up on the first marriage either. We were married until his death. I won’t divorce Jerry either. And I know he’s not leaving (he can’t run fast enough! ha!). Seriously, we’re doing better. And no, we have not dated anyone else—sexual or otherwise.

Depression is a hard thing to battle. My first husband committed suicide after a years-long battle with it. He had left me when I was pregnant with our youngest son to be with another woman—who also left her husband and children behind. He did this because he thought being married and a father was “too much work.” He “wasn’t happy.” He learned that it wasn’t the relationship he was in. It wasn’t where he was living. It wasn’t who he was or wasn’t with. The problem was in his mind. You can run away from your own mind and so he took his life instead. I do not advocate suicide. It’s a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Obviously.

However, Jerry is not trying to run from his issues with depression. He is seeing a counselor and that counselor is helping us, our family. Family therapy and individual therapy can mend many a great thing. It gives Hope. Hope is the only tool against the despair of depression. If you had to walk a day in Jerry’s shoes, you’d be depressed too.

What we have to work on now is getting Jerry’s mind to catch up to his current situation. We have to get me caught up to our current situation. I have to start dealing with our marital issues as our marital issues and NOT my marital issues with my first husband. He has to do the same thing. He has to realize that I am not his ex-wife and our children (his step-children) are not like his biological children. We’re all a whole set of new people and we have different ways of doing and being. We have to make mental adjustments to that. What we did in the past won’t work now in the present because we are all different individuals. A great crash course in blending families.

Now, I don’t speak about other religions because, quite frankly, they’re not party to this conversation. Jerry is a non-practicing Christian. By that, I mean his faith in Christ has been rocked. He has begun his blog series titled “Transitions” which will speak about that, I’m sure. He was a member of a church his whole life. He was a chairman of the Evangelism Commission of a United Methodist Church (which I believe I’d recognize as a “deacon” of sorts). He was very active in church life until his faith was rocked. Does that make him less of a Christian? I don’t think so. He’s still being tested and I’m sure when he comes out on the other side, his faith will be restored and even stronger than ever. The Bible is full of accounts of people’s faiths being tested.

I believe in all paths to God. I don’t care what you call that God. I don’t care if you believe in multiple Gods. If you want to know about MY beliefs, I’ll tell you about them. If you want to debate about MY beliefs, I might even give that a go as long as you agree that logic and reason has no place in the debate. And, if you don’t believe in any higher power at all, that’s just ducky too. I’ll pray for you (although I’m not likely to tell you that) so that you can find a path to God. But that’s just one of those Christian duties of mine: to pray for non-believers.

Occasionally my beliefs differ from the Bible. For instance this thing against homosexuality? Hogwash. I do not believe that my loving, kind, caring God would create a human (and yes, science proves that homosexuals are born that way) and turn around and say “It’s an abomination!” No, no. That was man’s additions to the text, in my opinion. Why? Well, that’s a topic for another discussion. The point I’m trying to make is this: I call myself a Christian. I’m a believer in the Bible. However, not the ENTIRE Bible do I believe because it was written by man and men make mistakes. They’re human. It’s been thousands of years since it was originally written (the parts thereof) and who knows if the translators got it all right? So on and so forth. Some “books” of the Bible have even been left out!

So I do a gut check. Does this action feel RIGHT to me? Is this something I’d like someone do to me? If the answer is no, then I don’t do it. If the answer is yes, I do it. Of course, I get some false positives and such doing it this way but I am guided by my conscience more than anything else.

So, yes, I can be a Christian and make mistakes. I have a Lord who forgives and forgets. He can turn the other cheek. When I do something I feel is wrong, I stand up and say so. I go to the person I’ve hurt and apologize. If I have truth on my side, I do not. If I feel I did the right thing, I will keep on doing the right thing and praying for God to guide my actions and thoughts on a daily basis. I may apologize or feel sympathy if it causes hurt and pain in someone. But I’ll keep doing what I believe is right and just.

 

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2 Responses to “Update: Full Disclosure”


  1. November 15, 2010 at 6:30 am

    It was a chance I took, I know. In the beginning, as you said above, neither of us was “sure” where our relationship was heading, and I’d rather deal with honesty and openness than deceit and devious behavior.

    I’m glad my instincts were right about you, about US. It’s why I love you and trust you, Heather — that you have had the opportunity all along and haven’t felt the need to test it.

    That the gutter scum and lowlifes feel the need to attack us doesn’t matter to you or me. I am secure in my life, in my faith, and in my marriage.

    I love you, Princess.

    Jerry

    • November 15, 2010 at 6:36 am

      Thank you, Jerry. You didn’t need to tell me what I already know but I do appreciate the words and gestures.

      And the comment! LOL I don’t get many of those here.

      No, I wasn’t posting this for them really. Those what did you call them? Gutter scum? No, it wasn’t for THEM. It was more for me. To put my thoughts out there. To clear a few things up for those that actually care about you and I and our happiness. I wanted to let them know how well we’re doing these days after all the hoopla from back then.

      I have a bad habit of posting during bad times and ignoring the good times and so it always seems to be bad. I want to change that because it does not accurate reflect our situation. That is why I posted it. Not for those who question my faith, my love for you or any of that garbage. That stuff doesn’t matter to me at all. What matters most is what *I* think, what *YOU* think, what my *KIDS* think, what *GOD* thinks.. and that’s about it 🙂


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