27
Jun
10

Full Disclosure.

I was recently reminded of a particular nasty thing about myself. I’m a hypocrite. One of the things I was upset about with my husband was his response to something I had said.

I explained to him how dorky and ugly I feel wearing glasses. I was trying to show that I could empathize with his embarrassment over having to wear oxygen (out of doors). Well, he said, in response, “I don’t think you’re ugly, Dork.” And that was it! How rude!

Oh wait. He was joking? Oh. Well, still. That’s just very bad form. He should’ve been reassuring and lavished compliments on me! THAT is the proper response!

Oh, I’ve done that in the past? Made a joke to lessen the tension? Naahh… not me! I wouldn’t never trivialize someone’s feelings about themselves in such a manner! Never!

Oh, you have proof? Show me!

Oh, damn. I did.

Oops.

Well, still. He also doesn’t show his emotions the way *I* expect him to and therefore he must not have any. Right? Right? Oh. No? Yeah, if he doesn’t respond the way I want him to, or more accurately, with the speed I want him to, I get upset. I feel as if that must mean he does NOT care at all. See… the other night ago… I posted a song to this blog (see previous post) and I then took it a step further. I sent the lyrics to him in an email along with a thoughtfully provided link to a video version of the song.  He’s a visual type of guy. Well, it worked. He cried. Why didn’t I feel better?

My problem was that I didn’t think he was hurting at all. Here I am, facing the end of our marriage. I’m devastated. I was in a state of shock for a couple of days. On the verge of tears for days… finally crying it all out. Thinking it’s done and over… and finding more tears underneath. How can he just sit there as if all is well? As if there is NOTHING wrong and continue his life like nothing at all happened? Play his stupid computer war games? How can he NOT act like ME? Oh. That’s right. Because he is NOT me. Riiight. I had forgotten that.

Another issue was that one of our BIG huge problems is our sex life and intimacy (I did say FULL disclosure here! That’s another way of saying TMI coming up). I had misunderstood something he had said about WHY that is and blamed myself. Twisted his words. Why? Because I *expected* him to say something along those lines. I’ve been waiting for the better part of 3 years for him to say that. I was talking to … well, a friend? An acquaintance?  This generally gosh-darned awesome guy I met on Twitter… and he reminded me of something we all fall victim to at times. When comparing someone to past mates or spouses, we often come to expect the current spouse to act in the same way and then we begin to look for evidence of that sameness. And, if we look hard enough, we’ll find it. That was just such the case even though I didn’t want to believe it. Well, I’m not sure our conversation (me and that generally gosh-darned awesome guy) went along exactly those lines, but it’s what made me realize what was going on. I know the thought train started with that part of the conversation anyway!

So… while I was correct that he reacted to my tears just the way I feared he would (See? THIS is why I didn’t want to say anything! You twisted my words and it hurt your feelings! I’m never going to say anything again!”), the whole thing could have been avoided had I actually read what he wrote and not what I had WANTED to read. Well, I didn’t want to read it but I had expected to read it. Make sense? No… me neither.

My husband is 27 years older than me. And many people blame that for our problems in the bedroom. It isn’t so much his age, as society’s expectations of it being a problem that made it a problem. He’s 60 years old and he read an article online about lowered testosterone, then his doc started giving him shots of testosterone because his levels were low. He remembered the article saying that low testosterone MAY lead to problems in the bedroom. He expected to have problems. Lo and behold, he had problems. When he had problems, it confirmed and increased his fear to the point where he was afraid to … do anything that might lead my wanting to go to the bedroom.

This has happened slowly over the past 2.5 years (most of the time we’ve been together). So imagine my surprise when the man who seemed to have such a high sex drive suddenly doesn’t AFTER we meet face-to-face (we originally met online eight years ago or thereabout).  So, because I had a first husband leave me (telling me part of the problem was the weight I had gained while having kids), having had a former step-father telling me how ugly and fat I was (I wasn’t fat at the time but that didn’t stop him from saying so and me believing him), and all the other self-confirming bullshit, I expected the problem to be me. I couldn’t believe it was him, or his medications, or his testosterone levels or his bullshit thinking. It HAD to be ME. Ego much? Yeah, I started World War II, too. 🙂

One of the … conditions… of our relationship has been that it will be a one-sided open relationship. We both wanted that (and still do) and it was what drew us together online to begin with. It’s rare that a man willingly wants to share his girlfriend/wife with other men and not want other women in return. He’s not into that (other women). He’s not into watching lesbians. I found that hard to believe at first, too, until I perused his porn collection and the only videos with girl-on-girl action had some other aspect to it that he found sexually stimulating.  However, I’m not about to go out and date someone else while our marriage is in trouble. It’s impossible to achieve a polygamous relationship without a strong foundation. It’s to enhance, not replace or take away from, what is already there.

WELL. During our discussion of what to do about our bedroom problems (and my assumption it was ALL about me), he had mentioned (or I did?) the fact that we had originally intended to be an open marriage and maybe this could be a solution. I had felt it was “I don’t want you so maybe you can find someone who does.” Which hurt. A lot. But that wasn’t what he felt at all. I should have asked for clarification. It was his way of trying to make me happy until HE is in a place of participating. After all, we’re just talking about sex, not love-making.

Still not sure that’s an answer… but at least I do believe now that the problem is NOT me. And I showed him last night, the problem is NOT him either! ha!

Anyway… yeah. We still have other problems (how he relates to my oldest, my other family members, friends, me, etc.) but I see a light at the end of this tunnel. I see happiness in the future. I’m happy NOW but I see happier times ahead. I see solutions as possible. I see rainbows and butterflies.

Yep, this will change tomorrow.  🙂

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