25
Feb
10

I’m not perfect.

While being in twush with someone is quite exilerating, it’s hard being the recipient of it and knowing they have this wonderful opinion of you… albeit that opinion is slightlly rosier than the truth.

For instance, he said to me tonight that the world is a better place because I am in it. I can’t argue that 😉 Because I strive every day to do SOMETHING to make this world a better place. To have that as a legacy of sorts.

But… I am not perfect. Some days I don’t roll out of bed until supper time when my son wakes me up to cook dinner. This leaves hubby with watching kids. I try to keep this to the weekends of course, but sometimes fail at that. I’m sure one of these days HE would like to be able to sleep in until supper time!

I ignore people. It’s not intentional. But I do it and it frustrates them after awhile. If I’m at my computer, and I’m writing or making phone calls to do an interview or some such, the rest of the world goes on hold for me. I wasn’t kidding in my post about winning that desk. I truly wouldn’t notice if the house caught on fire.. for at least ten minutes or so.

I can’t count the times my son has come to me while I’m writing and said something and on autopilot I said “Huh?” and he repeated himself. And then I said “Huh?” and he repeated. And finally I’ll realize I’m talking to him and need to turn back on my ears and look at him. I do it to my husband, too.

I’m lazy. Yes, I have real reasons to be tired but I no longer like to do a lot of the physical activities I used to. Even if I *could* do them, I’m not so sure I *would* do them. I let my dishes pile up. Even though there are aspects to cleaning that I adore… dishes aren’t one of them. I hate doing dishes. Really hate them. Always have and always will. I also hate making coffee. I don’t mind getting a cup when the pot is done so much but I’d much prefer to have someone run down to Dunkin’s and get me a cup already made with my cream and sugar. Only one problem, no Dunkin’s here in Sallisaw! LOL

I smoke cigarettes.

I like being alone a lot of the time. Don’t get me wrong here. I love my husband and kids and such but I also love being alone. I think we all need to be alone sometimes but I think I have that need more often than others.I’ve been that way since I was a kid. I could take it or leave it when it came to hanging with friends with one exception. My friends Susan and Bridget. I was constantly at their house. I haven’t seen them since I was about six or seven though. Since then I haven’t been able to be constantly around anyone and not get sick of them. Which is true enough for anybody… but I tap out after about an hour or two and then need to go and do my own thing for awhile, alone.

I make it hard to love me after awhile. Although I’ve gotten better at this with Jerry… I used to sabotage my relationships and push people away. It was a defense thing. Afraid they were going to leave me one day anyway (either by death or by choice) so why bother getting attached? I’d date someone for 30 days and then break it off. It was usually long enough for them to start to care about me but not long enough that they wouldn’t get over me easily enough 😉

But even as an adult, I do that still. Don’t have the 30 days rule anymore. But however long it lasts, it usually doesn’t last at all. But like I said, I’ve gotten better at that but there are still times where jealousy rears it’s ugly head and causes me to lash out …. or I get to feeling insecure and lash out… lots of things like that. I create the world’s biggest drama sometimes.

I’m sure there are more. Lots more. But the general gist is that I am not perfect. And I’m okay with that. 🙂

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4 Responses to “I’m not perfect.”


  1. February 27, 2010 at 6:55 am

    I could have written a LOT of that post. LOL I often sleep in, but I do get up to get the kids on the bus and cook my husband breakfast. After that, I crash and it’s not uncommon for me to sleep until noon. I can also relate to the not knowing the house is burning down around me, huh, huh, huh-ing my kids/hubby until they realize I’m not listening and either give up or get mad, hating to do dishes, and loving my alone time (which is seldom).

    We have a lot in common. 🙂 I’m not perfect either… but you’re the only person I’ll admit that to LOL!

  2. February 27, 2010 at 7:13 am

    LOL Yeah, felt that way reading your blog, although you do have quite a bit more kids than i do 😉

    That wake up and get the kids off to school and back in bed thing? I used to do that when they went to public school, but now that we homeschool and can do the work anytime.. wellllll… we do it after supper 🙂

    Since you have FMS as well, you’ll know what I mean when I say I may get up at say 11 a.m. but I am not MOVING until about 3 p.m. and not AWAKE until about 6 p.m…. yanno? So homeschooling after supper makes more sense here 🙂

    When I try to change the routine and stay AWAKE in the mornings, I end up either doing one of two things: 1) stay up all day and then all night again until like 7 the next morning or 2) go to bed wicked early like 10 p.m. and then up at 2 a.m. and then up allll morning and day until about 8 p.m. the next night and then up again at 1 a.m. and then alllll yeah you see what happens? I end up sleeping in the daytime again! Here it is, I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning (okay crawled out of bed) and it’s 1 a.m. and I’m still up and going. Even though I did tweet that I was going to sleep… just one more thing before bed and next I know an hour has past.

    Oh well. So far being 33 has meant accepting myself. Whether it’s because I have FMS or Autism or any of the other “disorders” and whatnot that make me BEHAVE this way.. doesn’t matter. I am who I am regardless. Love it or lump it 😉

  3. March 10, 2010 at 1:27 am

    Hmm that’s quiet interessting but honestly i have a hard time determining it… wonder how others think about this..


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