13
Feb
10

Undeniable.

It has gotten to the point where it is undeniable. I am seriously twushing. It has gone beyond those innocent little trembles of good feeling. That’s undeniable.

The temptation is there for both of us to meet up somewhere and just… run away together.

But that is impossible on many levels. Spouses…. kids…. all that “life” stuff. Which it is probably all that “life stuff” that has gotten each of us to this point with each other. It’s undeniable that we are experiencing trouble dealing with reality such as it is and are looking for an escape with one another.

Read this. It’s towards the end of our late night conversation:

me: i am lost in feeling and unable to type what it is i am feeling even

Twush: There are no words for this. It can’t be parsed and categorized. It just…is.
me: yes
and i ask myself how can something that feeels sooo goood and right be that wrong?
Twush: Exactly! Wtf?
Is this a joke?
me: Is what a joke?
Twush: This. Us. Is it some cosmic joke or is this leading somewhere real?
me: I don’t know where it’s leading but I can’t see it as a joke. I know it has to be leading to something.
the question is .. do we follow the path to something and just trust it?
Twush: True that
I want to.
me: we’re on that road.. we’re on that path.. we’re feeling and going with it and we’re scared out of our wits as we realize neither one of us is driving the car… we are not in charge of this thing and even if we wanted to, I’m not sure we could get out of it. We can’t stop the car… we can’t swerve down another one [path].. we’re just passengers in it. Whatever it is.
Twush: You’re right
me: or is that just a justification to allow ourselves to continue feeling things?
Twush: Could be, Dr Freud, but I don’t mind. 🙂
me: by saying someone else is driving our car of twush, we are absolving ourself of accountability and responsibility. So, is it really true? or is it just an excuse?
LOL
i get philisophical at night lol sorry
it could be both 🙂
either way, to continue the metaphor.. it’s a rockin’ ride and we’re in a luxury car 😀
Twush: Sure are.
So.. anytime we attempt to define these feelings, to box them up and make them look pretty.. it does tend to get away from us.  And neither one of us is really attempting to stop it either. Is that the right thing to do? I don’t know and at this point, I’m not sure I care to.
But…. there is this other thing. I know it might be leading to somewhere and that somewhere is unknown which causes us to feel scared… but….
Let’s just say we did leave our spouses and kids and played together for awhile. That’s all it would last is awhile. Because he would be jumping from one relationship to another again. That would never work. I’d just be a lay over.
I”ve been here before. Guys don’t like to be alone. They like to have the next relationship all set up before they attempt to leave their safety net. I’ve been both the “next relationship” and the safety net. It sucks all the way around. But it’s what guys (and some women) do.
If he were to decide his marriage is over, nothing salvageable …. which is not what is being said at this time, but let’s just say…., if he were to decide that for himself…. he’d need time to himself. Time to heal. Time to grieve the loss of a marriage…. He’d need to learn how to be himself again, aside from his identity as a spouse and father. Aside from his identity as a twush even.
I know this. It’s what is the healthiest course of action should his marriage prove unsavable and any woman he were to be with directly following a divorce would just be…. rebound.
I have also been a rebound before and it is not pleasant for me. I often end up wishing the timing had been different instead because the feelings are real, just that the other person can’t keep them going for a long time after healing from the previous break-up.
And yet.. knowing the likelihood that I am indeed another rebound girl…. or a new “fixation” to give him the motivation to leave… the reassurance that he’ll be okay without her….. knowing all that doesn’t stop me from feeling whatever it is I’ve been feeling.
And if I were to decide the same thing about *my* marriage (which I do not feel it’s un-salvageable), IF i were to decide that…. then I’d need the same time to heal…. to grieve…. and he’d be rebound guy.
And that only considers two of the adults involved. Says nothing of what it would do to our spouses and children. The impact on our kids …. even if minimal, would still be there. Is it fair to anyone? No. It’s not. But then again, no one said life was fair….
I usually tell my husband everything. I have told him of my twush but have not told him just how deeply twushing I am. I find that I cannot.  That is deeply troubling to me. I do not want to hurt him, obviously, which is why I don’t say anything. But I have never had anything that I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling someone.  And it is so wrong. Oh, so wrong. It’s something I need to fix but do not yet know what that fix is. Or if I am brave enough to admit the truth.
Right now, it’s undeniable. So if hubby were to ask…. I couldn’t deny it.
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