10
Feb
10

What do you want? Right now?

What do you want? Right now?

That is the question I posed tonight on twitter… at random… to anyone that may have read it.

I got one reply so far. That is “chocolate, chips or sleep or all 3.” I imagine it’d be difficult to eat chips and chocolate whilst asleep but if the person thinks they can manage, who am I to argue? 😉 I did offer my chocolate since I had some right beside me but doubtful he or she will come over for it since they’re likely to be thousands of miles away!

But this is the question I had posed to…. Him. The twush.  And his response then had been “taking a walk…. holding hands…. “ and it had stayed with me for a very long time.  He even asked me that question today and I gave a similar reply… only a bit more verbose 😉

I told him I also wanted to talk… to explore what was in each other’s minds. And that was, of course, true but not all what I had wanted to express. 140 characters can be so limiting.

I want to be so close and to know him so well that I feel as if I can literally walk through his mind. Dust off the shelves there and pull a chapter book off and read what happened to him in 1984. I want to pull out that file cabinet drawer, stuffed full of papers with odd little bits of information, and find out what he was thinking in 1967? Probably not much, seeing as how he would have been just born not too far from 1968.

I also want to know what he is thinking at 12:01 a.m. on February 10, 2010. And at 12:02 a.m. and so on.

I want to know what he is thinking, feeling… experiencing. Is it really possible he feels the same intense feelings I do? Is it really possible? Or is he …. Just …. Being …. Nice?

See, it is hard for me to actually believe someone would feel about me the way I feel about him. (yes, reminds me of the scene from “Dirty Dancing” when Baby pours her heart out to Johnny in his cabin… where they make love for the first time if I am not mistaken).  Yes, I find it very hard to believe.

Not because I think he is lying necessarily. It is because… well… I think he’s just being nice to me. The type of “nice” where your older brother’s friend humors you because he knows you’re the sweet but dorky little sister of his bud and have a crush on him type of thing. THAT has happened quite more frequently than someone actually liking me back in this …. Sort of old-fashioned sense of romantic kind of way.

Don’t get me wrong. I know lots of men and women have found me physically attractive.  But once, after the luster of lust has tarnished, that is usually when the interest in me fades and I find myself alone once more. How can I possibly know if it’s more than just a desire to …. Well, yanno…. Or if it is truly the same desire I have for him…. Not just luster of lust…. But also the desire to know more…. Be more…. Do more…. Have more…. I’m such a gluttonous greedy girl.

You do know this is more than just a journal-ly type thing now, don’t you? It’s my way of communicating with him in a sort of passive type of way. I know he reads this posts. I hope maybe when I wake tomorrow I will find an email in reply to these posts. Because I want to know what he thinks of them?  But at the same time…. What good does it do us? To express these feelings that we cannot act upon? That I wouldn’t act upon because we are both married to other people. And I cannot hurt another woman that way and I cannot hurt my husband, with a behind-his-back-twush-affair.

My husband knows when I have a crush on someone. Because I tell him. I hide nothing from my husband and that is what makes our relationship so great. To be able to be this open and communicative with each other is a rare thing I have noted while observing other people’s marriages.

I read about this Radical Honesty theory by Brad Blanton (article written by A.J. Jacobs here: http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707). It reminded me yet again that not nearly enough people are like me in this world. There are people who lie every day, multiple times a day to save feelings, save face, etc. I had a psychology professor tell me it was just my ego talking when I said I think I have a right to not be lied to. That is was an expectation that will never hold up in a marriage. It has so far for me…. On my end. I do not know, of course, if my husband has ever lied to me, straight out or by omission. But I do not believe he has because he knows how important to our relationship it is. Without that complete and total honesty, I cannot trust. And if one cannot trust, then one does not have a relationship of marriage.

But I am not just this way with my husband. I am this way with my friend, my family, and my acquaintances. I am not good at lying. Even white lies. I do not have a filter between my brain and fingers or between my brain and mouth. I love being open and free. Even when it lands me in the uncomfortable position of having hurt someone else’s feelings. I have no hope of ever being able to remember a lie, if I told one, so I do not do it. I often say “I’d much rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie any day” and *that* is the whole truth. Because finding out about the lie, down the road, hurts far worse than hearing the truth when the moment occurs. Oh yes, far worse.

I wish more people can be like me. Specifically, I wish my twush could. See, discretion is often the better part of valor, as some like to say, and I can appreciate that aspect. But at the same time, I do not like to think he has not told his wife he has a twush on someone else. What good would it serve him to do so anyway? I do not know the answer to that. Only he can say what good could possibly come from having such a conversation with his wife, if any good at all can come from it.

But that leads one to ask: “What kind of relationship do they have if he cannot be honest about his feelings, regardless of who they are for?”  Is it even a relationship worth having? Not for me to say.

But *I* would feel better if I knew that his wife knew. Otherwise, it does not feel like a twush at all. It feels dirtier. It feels…. Like an affair. But not the sort of fun affair… you know “time of your life” kind of event type of affair. No…. the dirty, secret, hide in the shadows, type of affair. That does not sit well.

But it is also something that is out of my control and I can intellectually understand that he may not feel able to do something such as to tell his wife: “Hey, babe. By the by, I met a wonderful gal on Twitter recently and I do believe I’m totally twushing on her. In fact, I’m thinking of what it would be like to shag the babe.”  No… I can see where that might be a problem for most.

Time to close off this post. What I want, right now…. Is to be dreaming while sleeping…. dreaming of holding hands.. talking… walking… sharing…. Exploring…. Since we cannot do that in person. Damn geography.

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