02
Feb
10

Well. I never was good at titles.

I know better than to feel and blog at the same time but heck with it. It’s been one of *those* days.

I recently “met” someone (I believe it was via twitter originally). Found out he and I have a lot in common as far as illness, etc. go. And life experiences as well. It was an AWESOME feeling to connect with someone who *gets it.* If you know what I mean. You spend the entire time doing the “me too” dance. Was a great feeling.

Then I had an misunderstanding blow up in my face. How many times has that happened? A gazillion and one. How many more times will that happen? God only knows! What a bummer to my day! I lost a friend in that process and while I can understand in the grand scheme of things that losing *this* friend might be a blessing, it is still a loss all the same. I *dislike* losing friends. Immensely. Probably because I’ve always had such trouble making and keeping friends. It’s almost… personal.

But then… but then… I was reading another friends’ articles. They never fail to inspire me in some way. Give me new insight or something. Her post is here http://tinyurl.com/yaqkz7q. In it, she explains the Spoon Theory, originally written by Christine Miserandino which you can read here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/

Now if you don’t read about the spoon theory, most of this post prolly won’t make sense. Or it might but READ IT ANYWAY! LOL

THAT cheered me up. Why? Because finally I have a way to explain to my friends, family, co-workers, husband, children, strangers even how I feel on any given day. This newly acquired friend of mine today asked me how do I stay so positive and upbeat with *all* that I deal with. And here’s the funny part, he doesn’t even know half of it! Ha!

There are eight things I am diagnosed with and are as follows:

Fibromyalgia
Osteoarthritis
Degenerative Joint Disease
OCD
PTSD
Asperger’s
Social Anxiety Disorder (basically I don’t like people 😉 )
Cancer.

And all he had heard about was my first husband’s suicide, my OCD/SAD and Cancer. :-/

I *am* naturally optomistic and believe that is what gets me through everyday. I think being as upbeat and joyful as I can be gives me at least TWO extra spoons a day to deal with the handfuls I call kids 🙂

And yet… and yet… there are my bad days. I do have moments and sometimes those moments last minutes and sometimes hours and sometimes days where I just don’t have the energy to decide to be happy with my lot in life.

Don’t get me wrong, other than the pain issues, I *love* my life. I’m happy being who I am. Completely. Aside from the pain. And the fear that the cancer will kill me. Those two things I can live without.

And yet… and yet..

There are days where I just have to throw in the towel and stay in bed because I am *completely* useless. And those days are the roughest because not only am I in physical pain… but I am in emotional turmoil as I realize all the things I *should* be doing. The guilt! OMGOSH it is crushing!

But when those moments come, I have to mentally shake myself and mentally yell STOP! And retrack my brain on some other course of positive thinking. Like, what would *my* house look like if Ty Pennington showed up with the crew of Extreme Makeover, Home Edition. Or another favorite.. if I won $260 million dollars, how would I spent it? I mean, dollar by dollar accounting folks ; ) Before I spend 30 million, I’m usually drifting off to sleep. Because if I say “I’d buy my father a house.” I’d have to visualize the house, what furnishings would go in it, all the details…

That’s usually when these thoughts occur, by the by. When I’m laying in bed trying to sleep and thinking instead. Thinking of what I didn’t get done that day but should’ve. What I want to get done tomorrow but know I can’t. Things like that which can depress the heck out of anybody! I mean, depression is so… depressing!

Nope, I’d much rather focus on good, positive things. And today I had two. One, I found a new friend and two, I found a new way of expressing what it’s like to be me : )

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