Being impatiently patient…

Hubby noticed the list I created and taped to my desk hutch cabinet. He asked, “What is that?” and I told him “It’s a list of the places I write, what days I write for each, and the times I work on each one.” He nodded and walked away. He could probably tell that I had controlled myself and limited it to just ONE list encompassing all details. And the fact that I taped it up instead of printing it out every day and using it as a checklist.

Today I am not going to be working… today I pick up my niece from the airport. The next 11 days are going to be difficult for me. There are those out there who may not know our history so I’ll do a brief recap.

RayRay came to live with me at age 14-a month before her 15th birthday. She was struggling living with her mom for many, various personal reasons. Namely, they are both bipolar and it had gotten to a point where my sister could not handle RayRay. To make matters worse, RayRay was diagnosed with reative attachment disorder (you can look it up!) and that also creates a myraid of issues for both child and caretaker. Basically, RayRay doesn’t trust her caretakers to … take care of her. The acting out from that takes many forms.

She is now 19 and after a few stints in the mental health hospitals, she is in a therapeutic foster home back in MA. I had finally had to make the decision to place her because I was unable to care for her in the manner she needed and deserved.  I had just been diagnosed with cancer at that time and knew that I was going to be spending a lot of time on my knees for two reasons: prayer and chemo! RayRay does not do well if she does not have a lot of one-on-one time with me and that was what was happening to cause her trips to the mental health places.

She has grown up in a lot of ways… she has. But she also still has this personality thing… it rubs me raw. She is very self-centered. VERY. When one of her friends got hurt in a car accident, her words were “How could he do this to me? Doesn’t he know what this would do to me?” Um… he was seriously hurt and she didn’t stop to think what it was doing to HIM. Yes, she has feelings and should acknowledge them… but first, make sure the dude isn’t dead! Agh!

That might not be the best example but my brain refuses to think of any more at this time because I don’t want to focus on the problematic behaviors. Besides, we’re all self-centered. It’s the very nature of humanism. And I want this to be a good visit with happy times. However, I may not get my wish.

My mother and RayRay do not get along. My mom is still resentful of some things that RayRay had done (too personal for the others involved to divulge here) and hasn’t forgiven her.. yet. I am hopeful that this is the time where it can happen. After all, isn’t Christmas a magical time of year? But while hopeful, I’m also realistic. My mom has her own health issues she’s dealing with… a lot of it is ramifications of having her brain radiated 15 times in an effort to keep her small cell lung cancer from returning (it often returns in the form of brain cancer). My thoughts are that this should make her more thankful to be in remission and living life cause life is too short to hold onto grudges. But.. this is her problem and I cannot feel her way out of it for her… if that makes sense.

I just give it up to God to handle and let it be.

Thomas did go to his last day of school. Surprised me! He didn’t sleep well and when I told him he had the option of staying home, he said “But I don’t want to miss any tests!” He failed to grasp that it didn’t matter as in the homeschool thing, these tests aren’t counted. LOL. But it was ingrained in his brain after being made to stay after school to catch up on tests the one time he was absent on a Friday… so I let him go to make him happy, of course. Also, for him to have a chance to say goodbye.

I had thought Brandon’s 2nd grade teacher had informed his classmates of his leaving prior to the goodbye party. She had not. I think maybe she was hoping I’d change my mind. LOL Fat chance! Brandon’s “wife” came up to me and once again told me she cannot function without Brandon at school. That I had to let him come back after school break otherwise she wouldn’t know what to do with herself! I wanted to sit her down and give her a lesson in “needing” a man versus “wanting” a man but figured wrong time wrong place and maybe her mom should do that! LOL

The kids in his class are so awesome. The girls kidnapped me and took me outside during recess. I had shown up early… and then they fought over my attention… and tried to “jail” me and put me under the slide… I didn’t fit! HA! I had fun though and will miss them critters!

I’m waiting for Principal approval but it is planned for Brandon to return on some Friday mornings to read to the class during their show and tell period. They eat it up when he reads… but he needs practicing reading out loud because he reads so fast, no one can understand him. We have one day planned where we’re going to dress up as the characters (Thomas will participate as well) and take turns reading from the book as our character’s parts come up. I think it’ll be fun.

I also have to get flyers up for the homeschool association I want to build. There used to be one here but it became defunct recently when the person running it had to bow out…  I want to get it going again.

Oh so much to do!! But.. I’ll be taking a break on writing while RayRay is here.

See ya next year!


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