16
Dec
09

Originally written in June sometime I think but…

Okay, I had originally written this in June 2009, I THINK. Not sure… but based on info contained within that’s my best guess. If not, oh well!  But I had not posted it to the right page and so am doing so now… I think I finally get how to work wordpress after HOW many years? LOL

It has been awhile since I have been on word press and some of the buttons have changed as have the navigation links. I hope I am posting this in my journal page and not my poetry page!

I have begun writing at examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/x-10560-Tulsa-Special-Needs-Kids-Examiner as a special needs kids examiner. I have decided that writing and publishing under my own name in the mainstream is not such a bad idea after all. I doubt anyone would recognize my work as a ghostwriter from the posts that are here or on examiner. I feel relatively invisible on this site as I do not exactly market it. I do not add tags to my posts because I do not necessarily want people to find me, if that makes sense. I do not mind if they do find me, obviously, but I do not want to be actively sought either. I guess you can say I am a shy blogger.

I am married again and this has brought a whole host of issues that further complicated my lfie, especially where the kids are concerned. Having lost their natural father to death, it is only understandable that issues should arise with a new man in the picture. I have known Jerry for years online and waited for quite sometime before meeting him offline and then some more time before he met the kids. I did not want to introduce him to the boys if he was not going to stick around. He stayed through my cancer treatments… so I figured he is here to stay. We got married in October of 2008, after moving to Oklahoma where he had lived prior to coming to Mass. to be with me. As every relationship has, we have our ups and downs. Right now, I think we are having a lot more downs because of his depression. It effects me in ways that he does not see and that I cannot tell him because it will further his issues into that deep dark abyss. I already lost one husband to suicide, I am certainly not going to do anything that might contribute to another.

Yes, I understand that I did not cause any suicide nor can I, but my actions can be a contributing factor. If I were to go to him and discuss any of the issues that bother me, it just puts more on his already heavy plate of burdens. THIS (whichever issue…we can pick it at random) issue may be the one that tips the plate out of balance and he could end up lost to me forever. I do not wish to do that. However, neither can I remain silent.

He is now in therapy. This is a good thing. This is more than Michael did during our marriage. I am hoping that he will continue to go to therapy and work out with those demons that so possess him. Some are simple daily issues that he has that stem from being a step-father to two autistic children. Some are much heavier and have come through a lifetime lived. The therapy will help; it has to.

Of course, at times, I am selfish. It is hard to always be the one reaching out. I get my hand slapped many a time for it. It makes me wonder if I can keep being the one to reach out to him… to try and pull him up and out of that dank, dark abyss. When I do feel selfish I say to myself… “Self, you know that he cannot be the one to reach out. This depression will stop him from trying each time he wants to. You’re going to have to be the one to keep reaching out that hand to him.”  And that leaves me to wonder what would happen if he did actually grab that proffered hand. Will he use it to pull himself up… or will he pull me down with him. That is what I fear today. That I will be swallowed whole into the darkness that awaits. I have to be strong though and I will. I do not have any regrets about marrying him. None at all. I love him and will continue the battle for however long I must. It’s my happiness at stake too. I deserve it. Especially after all this time.

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