Back in the Day… When I was that age…

I have often heard this phrase: “Back in the day, when I was a kid…” and it usually follows with some form or shape of how I need to spank my kids to make them behave better. If I would just give T a good wallop on the behind, he’d behave better. He’d listen more. He’d pay attention to authority figures, by god! If only I had a penny for every time I heard that! I’d be a rich woman by now! I get it from teachers, friends, family, and strangers alike. I even get it from my husband.

 

He wrote this blog recently: Back in the Day (http://aviewfromthemountain.wordpress.com/views-from-the-mountain/back-in-the-day/) where he discussed this viral Facebook status:

 

“When I was a kid I didn’t have an xbox, wii, ps3, or cell phone. I had a bike and a curfew a.k.a the street lights. I lived outside, not inside. If I didn’t eat what my mom made then I didn’t eat. I didn’t dare tell my mom “no,” or talk back. Life wasn’t hard, it was life. And I survived! Repost if you drank water out the hose and hand sanitizer didn’t exist, but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap.”

 

In my husband’s blog post, he took a trip down memory lane, sharing the details of an incident from his childhood. He then shared a similar incident with my son and compared the two. He wondered if my son would learn the lesson being taught without the benefit of corporal punishment for any length of time.

 

Yes, he did. It’s been months now and he has not played with matches. He has not asked to play with matches. Or even the lighter and candle. Heck, we can barely get him to ignite the burn barrel now. And he learned that lesson without the benefit of his hands being smacked or his butt being spanked.

 

Let me say this first off: I do not believe that spanking in general is physical abuse. That is certainly not what my husband was referring to either. We are talking about spankings and not beatings.  He mentioned that he had survived the way his parents raised him. Yep, I got spankings too growing up (a whole whopping 3 of them). But, since he brought up my beliefs against corporal punishment for children, not just those with autism but any child really and especially for those with autism, I thought I’d share WHY I believe that while back in the day parents spanked all the time does not mean we need to spank now.

 

We, well, not me and my husband per se, but some humans somewhere, build bridges. We build them so we can get from point A to point B when there is something else in the way. That could be another road, a river, a ditch… whatever.  There were bridges 200 years ago even. Maybe not in America yet (heh) but we had them elsewhere in the world. Could you imagine building a bridge today like that which was built 200 years ago? Why not? We use different techniques today to build bridges because we know more now about building bridges. We can make them stronger, hold more weight, and be resistant to natural forces such as earthquakes.

 

We build buildings too.  Big, hulking, skyscrapers.  We didn’t do that 200 years ago (I’m not sure when it started) but let’s just go back 54 years like my husband did. In that 54 years, we’ve learned how to build houses so they are more efficient energy wise, so they are resistant to burning down in a fire, so they can withstand hurricane force winds and tornados. We can build big, tall buildings that are resistant to earthquakes even. That’s something we did not have just 54 years ago. So, if what we used to do, and what has always been done, is good enough in the world of disciplining our children, why do we bother advancing in other areas?

 

My husband loves his computer. He has a degree for his knowledge of how to make applications systems. All kinds of systems! He can debug them too. His knowledge is amazing to me. He created a phonebook application on my computer with just typing at some keys and clicking of a mouse and viola! I had a purple address book on my computer. And a recipe database for all my recipes. ALL of them. That’s amazing! Little things like that are truly wondrous to me. But we didn’t have that capability 54 years ago.

 

We do things differently, and in some cases better, than we have done them in the past because we know better now. We now know how to discipline our children with punishments and rewards to create the desired behavior we want. The problem isn’t that I don’t spank T. The problem is that I’m not (and my husband is not) consistent with the discipline. I fully take blame for T’s behavior for the first 8 years with him as I was totally a permissive parent. I’d often look the other way and pretend I didn’t see a bad behavior because I couldn’t cope with the stress of being a parent on my own. I admit it. I feel guilt over it. That is why T acts the way he does now. Not because I didn’t spank him, but because I didn’t discipline him AT ALL.

 

I have found a technique that works with T and when I can remember to use it, it works. Jerry even admits it works. So, why can’t we seem to stick to it? Our own old habits get in the way. He wants to spank or yell like he did with his kids and like his parents did with him and so on back through the generations. I want to look the other way and pretend I didn’t see it because I’m tired. 

 

Also, with spanking, we’re hitting our kids in an erogenous zone there on the buttocks. Their brains are still wiring themselves and forming synapses and connections. There have been studies showing a link between being spanked and forming “sexually deviant desires” known as bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism (BDSM). Of course, some will argue that those are sexually deviant matters or preferences. And some will argue that they were not spanked and still have those fetishes.  But what’s true for the majority does not have to be true for all: there will be exceptions to every “rule.”

 

And, as my husband did mention in his post, T would not connect the dots between his behavior and his receiving a punishment. We’re still working on that. I wonder if it has more to do with the bipolar disorder than the autism, but whatever the cause, he equates the punishment with the person giving it and not the behavior he’s being punished for. So while my dear husband may say he did not fear his parents, I know T fears him.

 

We want our children not to pick up the message “Oh, when Mommy or Daddy gets mad at me, they hit me.” We want them to get the message that “When I make a bad behavior choice, I get a bad consequence I don’t like.” We do not need corporal punishment to send that message. It brings to mind an episode of SuperNanny that I saw. This poor woman had 7 children within 8 years. She was stressed beyond belief and she constantly spanked (really, swatted) her children’s bums, and yelled almost constantly. I was hard pressed to find a time, in the beginning, when she talked to her kids in a normal tone of voice. I am not judging her, just stating what I saw. Once SuperNanny, Jo Frost, got the mom to agree to try something new (don’t get me wrong, I don’t like time outs either)… we saw the mom getting very frustrated as her daughter pushed her buttons. Her daughter was TRYING to get her mother to spank her because she wanted to prove that her mother hadn’t changed, wasn’t going to change. There was a moment where mom was yelling, at the top of her lungs, at this child, in her face. It was quite disturbing to watch. Jo pulled her away, grabbed mom by the shoulders and began speaking to her, asking her how was she feeling, what did she want to do, etc. The mom said she wanted to spank her daughter. Jo asked why, and Mom said “Because I’m mad!”… Jo pointed out that mom only wanted to spank her child to relieve her own frustrations and it was not about teaching the child the lesson at hand. Quite an impact on a person when it’s shown so clearly like that.

 

I realize that not every parent who spanks does so to relieve their own frustration and tension. For some, a rare few, it is all about the teaching of a lesson. But for most?  It *is* about the anger the parent is feeling because their child dares to do something they, the parents, do not like.  And in the end, kids DO fear their parents and not the punishment. It’s not “oh man, I just did XYZ and I’m gonna get it now!” No, it becomes “Oh man, this is gonna tick off Dad and Mom! They’re going to be so mad at me!”.. and what we really want, if we’re using aversive tools to try and teach correct behavior, is fear of the punishment, not the punisher.  I believe there are far more effective techniques that parents and doctors and other people have learned over the last 54 years about human behavior and child development that we no longer need to do what we did “back in the day.”  Jerry and I just need to parent our children consistently and make a plan of discipline we both can agree on and make sure we both follow through with THAT plan so we do not resort to past habits.

 

Now, as for the rest of the post, I can genuinely agree with him. I miss those days from my childhood, just 20 years ago, when we spent more time outdoors than in, when we came home when the street lights came on, when we drank from the hose, when we built forts in the woods behind our houses and camped out in them, when we could go trick or treating age seven with our pals, when we could ride our bikes around the neighborhoods, and so on. There are so many things kids are not allowed to do any more for their “Safety” (and some of that is not so bad), but it has taken a toll on the way society lives now. We are less free to be than we have ever been before. And it is not because we do not spank our children anymore. If anything, it’s because kids who were spanked more are now grown and out there in the world practicing sexually deviant behaviors on children. (Okay, so that is a bit of an extremist view there! And not sure I really believe that but it seems logical to me).

My frustration with Chronic Pain:

 

“I used to do so much with my time. I once was working four jobs! How do I go from working two full time jobs and two part time jobs to just barely being able to stay awake long enough to tuck my kids into bed? How did I go from being able to walk the three miles to work to being able to barely walk to the other side of my house? How did I go from playing hide and seek, tag (“touched ya last”), and board games with my kids, to barely be able to handle having a conversation with them? Fibromyalgia. It stole a lot from it. And that pisses me off. It really does. But more on that in another post. ”

In addition to the fibromyalgia, I also have osteoarthritis and degenerative joint disease (they’re basically the same thing). The osteoarthritis is located not only in joints, but along bones as well. But if the patient only has the pains in the joints, that’s when they call it DJD. I have it in Every. Single. Joint. In. My. Body. Including. My. Toes.

{source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001460/ ]

Osteoarthritis or DJD is caused by the wearing away of cartilage.

• Cartilage is the firm, rubbery tissue that cushions your bones at the joints, and allows bones to glide over one another.
• Cartilage can break down and wear away. As a result, the bones rub together, causing pain, swelling, and stiffness.
• Bony spurs or extra bone may form around the joint, and the ligaments and muscles around the hip become weaker and stiffer.

It is an “old person’s disease” to me. Usually people over 55 start getting symptoms and by age 70, the diseased has progressed to the stage I’m in now at the age of 34. I got this disorder from my mother’s side of the family. Thanks, Mom!  Ha! At any rate, I think the DJD began early in age after a football injury tore apart and eviscerated my cartilage in my right knee. I didn’t have it operated on until age 14 though.  I learned to deal with the pain. The awesomeness of my autism, I believe, is what allows me to disassociate from the pain. My then orthopedic surgeon told my father a story: “Your daughter is one of those types of people who could be sitting at home alone, with a gouge on her belly, her innards dripping out and someone calls. She’ll answer in response to “How are you?” with “oh, I got an annoying scratch but other than that I’m good.” LOL He summed me up well!

My knee was in such poor condition, he felt he might have to operate it open-knee style instead of laparoscopically. However, a new manufacturer of one of these devices asked the doctor to try theirs out, let them film it for promotional materials and see how it goes. This was at a teaching hospital. I okay’d it, and we did it that way. Came out beautiful, if I do say so myself. I was able to walk out of the recovery room, holding my crutches instead of using them. J

From that point on though, the damage was done. You see, because I did not get my knee checked out at the time of the original injury (other than to elevate it and ice it the first day it was swollen), I developed a funny way of walking so I wouldn’t limp. It made my hips go out of proper alignment as well, leading me to develop scoliosis.  Having things out of alignment, tears things up quicker than normal.

“Pain and stiffness in the joints are the most common symptoms. The pain is often worse after exercise and when placing weight or pressure on the joint.

Your joints become stiff and harder to move over time. You may notice a rubbing, grating, or crackling sound when you move the joint.

The phrase “morning stiffness” refers to the pain and stiffness people feel when they first wake up in the morning. Stiffness usually lasts for 30 minutes or less. It is improved by mild activity that “warms up” the joint.

During the day, the pain may get worse with activity and feel better when you are resting. After a while, the pain may be present when you’re resting. It may even wake you up at night.”

[source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001460/ }

You can see that there are similar symptoms between OA (osteoarthritis) and fibromyalgia (FMS). The morning stiffness, the fatigue, the pain, the pain, the pain. The problem?  “The pain is often worse after exercise and when placing weight or pressure on the joint.” See, to treat my fibromyalgia before, I’d exercise. It was the only way to get the annoying aches to go away. I’d take a nap after exercise, and wake up feeling pretty damn good! I could keep my house clean, I could cook dinners still, I could rouse around with my children still. Not a big deal anymore!

However, that wear and tear from treating my FMS made my OA worse. It wore out more cartilage in no time. Even though most of the exercises consisted of stretching (and bending at the joints!) it did considerable damage. I’m at the point now, where I can barely walk 10 feet before the pain becomes so intense I *have* to sit down or I will *fall* down.

Currently, to treat my FMS, I’m  taking two medications. One is called lyrica and it takes away most of the muscle aches, the neuropathy pain in my feet, hands and upper back that feel like a million wasps stinging you at the same time, and allows me to sleep. Like, for real sleep. Like, I even dream sleep! Oh that is so awesome! And for more than an hour at a time usually. The problem? There’s a side effect to Lyrica which makes the fatigue 10 times worse! I couldn’t even get out of bed in the mornings anymore… my previous post mentioned my day –to-day routine and that has so changed since starting Lyrica. I don’t have the energy to do even that anymore! So, doctor put me on Savella. I had tried it before but it did nothing for the pain, any of it, and it kept me awake for days at a time. It was like I was on speed! My mind was going a mile a minute but my body couldn’t keep up! So, I had stopped taking it to try Lyrica. Well, since Lyrica puts me to sleep or just makes me so tired, we added Savella for the energy boost. It works! I just only take it in the mornings though so I can sleep at night and I had to add back in my Ativan because I became more anxious on the Savella than I was before.

However, as much relief from pain I feel when I manage to remember to take my pills, I still have CHRONIC PAIN in my lower back, hips and knees. They lock up on me when I’m trying to walk and then I fall. Or they give way, and I fall. Or they can’t lift me out of a chair and I fall. It freaking sucks! And if I try and treat any of this with its recommended treatments, guess what? It makes my fibro worse!

From the same source above:

Complications:

• Adverse reactions to drugs used for treatment
• Decreased ability to perform everyday activities, such as personal hygiene, household chores, or cooking
• Decreased ability to walk
• Surgical complications

These are the complications that come from treating OA, either with medication, physical therapy, acupressure (which hurts the fibro tender points!), and/or surgical options.

I think I’m at the point where surgery is needed but there’s a problem with that. Say, for an example, they operate on the lower discs in my back. They get them realigned and inject fake cartilage in there to help protect the discs from rubbing against each other, right? Well, now the rest of my spine is out of place, as my hips bones. Then my shoulders are out of alignment and so on throughout the body. This would then require multiple surgeries. I’m not sure I’m at that point yet because even if I do these surgeries, there may be complications. One person I recently heard of went completely blind, forever, following back surgery. I’m not sure yet that the unguaranteed results outweigh the risks involved. But I may soon not have a choice. Or rather, the choice will become: wheelchair or surgery. At age 34.

I had my children on purpose. There was a plan in place. One of the considerations of my plan was my age. I wanted to have them young enough so that I would be 45 years old when my youngest turned 18. Sounds good don’t it? 45 years old and an empty nest! I would still be young enough to enjoy those years.  Or so I thought. Now with my chronic pain issues… well, not so much, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I love having kids and it’s what I wanted to be when I grow up. That was going to be my job. But like others,  I would retire from my job and look forward to that time in my life. Imagine if you could retire from your job at age 45? Wouldn’t that been grand? Well, such as life. Because even if I didn’t have chronic pain issues, my sons have moderate forms of autism that affect their functioning abilities and they may never be able to live independently or interdependently outside of my home. I hope that they will… strong hope for my eldest. But I have hope that they can achieve this goal of living on their “own” by say, age 25 or so. They just need a few more years in their arc of maturity is all. Still, that would leave me at age 49. A great young age in which to enjoy retirement. It would’ve been nice. But it seems it won’t happen QUITE the way I pictured it. Between the OA and the FMS, the DJD, etc. I’m going to be wheelchair bound.

That in itself isn’t so bad, don’t get me wrong. But when you go from a person who worked four jobs at one time, who could and did walk for miles on end for the simple enjoyment of it, and so on to being wheelchair bound? I think I’m going through a grieving process. I know at the end of this process, I’ll accept my new normal. Just as I did with the fibromyalgia. Just as I did with my kids’ autism. Just as I did at every life-altering event.

I do not tend to ruminate on my problems. I will do a status update on Facebook about it, and get supportive comments. It’s my support group. But I do not spend hours a day thinking and wishing life were different. Of course, I do wish life were different but I found if I stay stuck in that mindset, I stay stuck in great pain, anxiety and eventually it all leads to depression.  I don’t like being depressed. It’s so…. Depressing! So I avoid rumination and if it’s a tough day, I give myself that time to wallow in pity for an hour or so, and then pick myself back up, dust myself off, lecture myself and remind myself of the positives in my life. I acknowledge the sucky and praise the blessings. That is how I cope on a daily basis of chronic pain.

It’s not easy on my family either. And I often do not complain out loud to them when I’m in pain. What’s the point of advertising my troubles where there’s no market to sell at? If I continually tell them “I’m in pain right now, about a level 6,” they’re going to get sick of hearing it. They will build up an air of “Yeah, but you’re always hurting. What’s new?” type of mindset.  Asking my kids and hubby for help makes me feel so guilty. So guilty I could cry. It’s not fair to them to have to wait on me, serve me dinner, coffee, whatever. But some days, I have no choice and I have to ask. Those days are coming more often than not. Maybe if I had the wheelchair, I could do more for myself because I could get to point B from point A without as much difficulty and pain.

There is a story out there that can be used to describe our life to others. To those who looks at us and see no deformities and ask “What’s your problem? Why can’t you just do it? The more you do it, the better/easier it will get! Quit being a crybaby! If you didn’t whine so much, you’d feel better. If you ate more vegetables, you’d feel better. If you’d pop vitamins like candy, you’d feel better.” And the list of unhelpfulness goes on. So, how do you explain to others that support should come in other ways than snide remarks of “you’re just suffering from laziness”? Simple. Tell them the Spoon Theory. You can read it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/personal-essays/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/  I still get teary-eyed every time I read it.

 

My husband now asks me “How many spoons ya got?” before asking me to do something and I return the favor. It’s a way of acknowledging the circumstances without making the other feel guilty if the answer is “none.”  It’s a way of acknowledging the sucky, without dwelling on it or complaining about it constantly which erodes sympathy, understanding and compassion that those of us with “invisible disabilities” so desperately need from our loved ones.  It can also be used to describe other disorders, such as Autism, or Sensory Processing Disorder. Any disorder actually. I hope you take the time to read it and understand it. It’s very valuable to the disability community in advocating support for themselves.

 

So, now you know a bit more about why I’m frustrated with my life.

 

What’s been happening….

Well, life has been extremely busy these past few weeks. I’ve been overwhelmed at times and feeling strong at others. I was put on new pain management medication that has made functioning quite awkward. I would get loopy or very tired and have no choice but to sleep. I would literally fall asleep at my computer! So, while it’s good I’m actually getting sleep, I can’t function like that (sleeping day and night) so I stopped taking one of them and it’s better. I still get tired but it’s not as bad as it was and the memory/concentration issue seems to be less as well. I am very sensitive to medication’s side effects and this is as usual. It makes it challenging trying to find a management system that works and yet allows me to function.

We have recently acquired roommates! They are a childless couple (unless you count their two dogs!). They help us with the children, housecleaning, cooking, etc. I guess the position is called “estate managers.” Live-in help had become a necessity for us as M-F didn’t work anymore– we still needed the help on Saturday and Sundays. We dont’ become magically non-disabled only on the weekends. LOL So, enough with the struggles!

They’re good people and fit us well because they have great sense of humors and are animal lovers, almost like us. They don’t hold  on to a bunch of animals like we do–but they care greatly about them.

Two puppies (Jack Russel’s) have decided to live under our house (they tore off the skirting). They were dumped off shortly before this winter storm early this week. I’ve called animal control and have gotten the usual run around. We don’t live within the city limits, so we have to call the County’s Sheriff’s office. They say they don’t have an animal control department and I need to call the city’s police’s animal control officer. I call the officer and he tells me to call the County Sheriff’s office and round and round that goes! If I pay $10 a dog, they’ll take them in when they have room (they never do). Sooo… not sure what to do. I don’t want to feed them because I want them to move on from us.. but I can’t watch them starve either. That’s cruel. So, do I feed them or don’t I feed them? They’re not going anywhere….

I’m going to be an editor for an online newsletter for the group Carers About the Disabled.  We’ll have articles and resource links there and it’s going to be on a WordPress blog as it’s the easiest way to get it to the people and the group does not earn any money to pay for its website, so can’t use that. So, all in all, it’s a great way to get information to the people and I’m excited about being involved!

T has had increased behavioral problems lately. I think it’s related to his going through puberty since age 8 and now he’s in that swing mode that normally wouldn’t be that big a deal but because he has a mood disorder in addition to Asperger’s,  it’s even worse than normal teenage thing.  It goes from annoying (such as mimicking everything I say and not because he’s an echo type persona, but snide) to throwing things in anger and swearing and cussing people out. It sucks. For him and for us. For him, he’s embarrassed after the moment has passed and he has told me he is disappointed in himself. He knows better but can’t seem to help himself either. It’s like he’s lost all of his coping skills suddenly. It’s really weird.

Facebook has been a strange trip down memory lane lately as well. I’ve found so many “old” friends. They’re not old as in age, but that I’ve known them from a long time ago. And seeing their faces on their profiles makes me think of those times. Some were good. Some not so good! LOL But it’s been great reminiscing about it all. What I found weird though is that after a few sentences, 20 years have been summed up LOL

That’s about it!

Update: Full Disclosure

Well, I learned that there are those that read my blog. Who knew? The stats said 0 views for so long, I had no clue people were actually reading it because I stopped checking! So, when back in April, I began having marital issues with my husband, I blogged about it. I blogged about a personal issue that, perhaps, in hindsight should have remained private and off the web. However, I’ve never been known for my “private” life being private.

Well, now that it’s out there, there’s been some misrepresentation of a few things about what my original post titled “Full Disclosure” actually said. And some people are questioning my Christianity because of the “status” of my marriage.

1.      I never said the Bible said it was okay to cheat on your spouse.

2.      I never made reference to any Bible quotations and/or my religious faith in the original post.

3.      I never said that we had acted upon our original intent to have an open relationship.

4.      I never said that I wanted to act upon that intent NOW or back in April.

In fact, what I *did* say was that it had been our original intent. I had wanted a one-sided open relationship whereupon I was free to “date” someone else. This, at the time of our getting together, did not imply SEX, necessarily. You see, I had other friends at the time. I did not want to give up those friends for someone I had met online. I didn’t want to give up my friends for someone who may or may not stay with me. I had severe insecurities when it came to personal relationships (still do, to a degree). I wanted a safety-net of sorts. That is why *I* wanted an open relationship when Jerry came to Massachusetts to see if we’d get on as a couple.

These others friends of mine, by the by, were not actual sexual partners. I can count my sexual partners on one hand, can you?

But, at the time, I was exploring my sexuality and fantasies. I am a human being and yes, the topic of multiple male partners for me came up. I was in my early 30’s. Jerry, being a secure male, had no problem with allowing that because he knew I’d be faithful to him in my heart. That is all that he cared about. You could call this “clause” to our relationship a sort of test for me. I wanted to see how much he loved me and how much he’d let me “get away” with. There was a small bit of that thrown into the psychological basis for my desire.

Part of the reason the fantasy held appeal to me was that I crave attention. I like attention because it makes me feel special. It makes me feel wanted and appreciated. It makes me feel like that ARSEHOLE from my past was WRONG and I was RIGHT. There are all kinds of attention and I try to stay within a certain type: healthy. Occasionally I veer off that path. This was one of those occasions.

The idea that there is more than one guy out there who would find me appealing and “want” me was a heady feeling. It spoke to my ego. It spoke to the hurt little girl inside of me. It made me feel better. Right or wrong, that is what that was.

I can’t speak for Jerry about this but I have my suspicions. I think at that time in his life, he’d accept any clauses and conditions on a relationship if he could find someone who loved him for who he was—faults and all, too. He’d been divorced and had moved or visited several different women since his divorce was finalized and he had come out of that Abyss. They hadn’t worked out for various reasons (namely, they were not me). I think it was getting to HIS ego that these relationships kept falling through. Maybe he was afraid he didn’t have “it” anymore and so he’d better find someone and hang on—even if it meant being “okay” with an open relationship.

Once we met in person and began dating, there was no one else. Not for either one of us. We were busy falling in love and I found out a wonderful thing: Given proper healthy attention was just fine with me. I didn’t NEED these other guys, so why try for any more? I had all I needed in a mate. The subject didn’t come up again for us at that time.

Fast forward a few years and things were getting bumpy. We’d begun fighting again (there were initial fights as there are often are in MY relationships, because I tend to push, and Jerry pushed back). This time though wasn’t about pushing him away just to avoid getting hurt. It wasn’t about my insecurities. I had some real issues with our marriage: lack of attention. There were other issues but this is in direct relation to the topic at hand.

We used to engage each other in discussions of politics, religion, history and psychology and sociology and so on. We’d watch movies together. We’d watch the news and yell at the screen together. We’d go on “lunch dates” when the kids were in school. He had even taken to playing cards with me at one point. And then, bam, all that had ended and I didn’t know why. I should have as I had been here before in my previous marriage.

Of course I thought the problem was me, as I did at the time of my first marriage. As I explained in my original post, there were sexual issues as well at that time. If I’m getting attention of the kind mentioned in the above paragraph, I don’t even think about the sex issue. That was something Jerry didn’t understand. He thought if he paid attention (or gosh forbid, cuddled on the couch with me), I’d expect bedroom activity. He wanted to avoid that at all costs, it seemed. At the time, I had no clue why and again, as I originally stated in my post, I took something he had said and twisted it to be what I thought I’d heard instead of what he ACTUALLY said to me. Maybe it’s the auditory processing issue? Yeah, we’ll go with that *grins*

At any rate, he was speaking about the sex issue and I was speaking about the attention issue. And he brought up the fact that we had once said we’d have an open relationship. I thought that meant he didn’t want me—not even as a person to spend time with watching TV or playing cards. I thought he meant he just wanted a roommate. He thought I was talking about sex and he could NOT do that (health issues). So, as a fix, Jerry thought he’d let me “date” others. He’d be a nice guy and give me what I “wanted.” Except that isn’t what I was saying. LOL..

 

I laugh now about the misunderstanding. At the time it broke my heart. Strange how feelings and desires and thoughts change, no?

In my original post, about Jerry’s idea, I was journaling to get my head around it. During that post, I made mention SEVERAL times those issues I had with doing the open marriage thing. See, I was okay with the IDEA of an open RELATIONSHIP. I have problems/issues/concerns with an open MARRIAGE.

Marriage is quite different than a relationship, wouldn’t you say? Sure, it’s “only” a piece of paper to some people. To me, it means a whole lot more. Til death do we part. What God has put together, let no man rent asunder. We’re talking commitment to ONE person, here. We’re talking a HUGE deal here. I don’t enter marriage lightly. My faith dictates that it not be so. After all, if you’re not ready to commit to a single individual, why get married??

Ah, and that’s where some people would question me. How could I possibly think pre-marital sex and group sex and open relationships, etc et al is okay if I’m a Christian? When did I ever say it was okay for a Christian to do ANY of this? I have never said it was “okay” with Jesus. That was one of my issues, after all, with an open MARRIAGE.

But here’s some breaking news for you people: I’m a human being. I have faults. I fall off the path occasionally. I get weird thoughts and ideas. Sometimes I act on them. Sometimes I do not. Okay, most of the time I don’t act on them. But aren’t they sure fun to think about?  (Another post on lustful thinking being a ‘sin’ will be forthcoming).

I do not say I’m a Christian just to say it. I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe in the Trinity of God, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe Mary conceived a child without sex! Is it so hard to fathom I might think it is okay to have an open relationship? And somehow justify it against my religious beliefs? Of course I could and did. It’s quite easy and humans have been doing it since the dawn of religion.

I’m not perfect. I never said I am. In fact, in another blog post, I said I am NOT perfect. I know I have faults and flaws. It’s part of my charm!

For those readers who are actual friends of mine and care about my general well-being, I am happy to report that Jerry and I are doing better. We’re not where I’d like us to be yet, but as I ended the post in April, I do have hope. Hope is something I did NOT have with my first husband. I didn’t give up on the first marriage either. We were married until his death. I won’t divorce Jerry either. And I know he’s not leaving (he can’t run fast enough! ha!). Seriously, we’re doing better. And no, we have not dated anyone else—sexual or otherwise.

Depression is a hard thing to battle. My first husband committed suicide after a years-long battle with it. He had left me when I was pregnant with our youngest son to be with another woman—who also left her husband and children behind. He did this because he thought being married and a father was “too much work.” He “wasn’t happy.” He learned that it wasn’t the relationship he was in. It wasn’t where he was living. It wasn’t who he was or wasn’t with. The problem was in his mind. You can run away from your own mind and so he took his life instead. I do not advocate suicide. It’s a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Obviously.

However, Jerry is not trying to run from his issues with depression. He is seeing a counselor and that counselor is helping us, our family. Family therapy and individual therapy can mend many a great thing. It gives Hope. Hope is the only tool against the despair of depression. If you had to walk a day in Jerry’s shoes, you’d be depressed too.

What we have to work on now is getting Jerry’s mind to catch up to his current situation. We have to get me caught up to our current situation. I have to start dealing with our marital issues as our marital issues and NOT my marital issues with my first husband. He has to do the same thing. He has to realize that I am not his ex-wife and our children (his step-children) are not like his biological children. We’re all a whole set of new people and we have different ways of doing and being. We have to make mental adjustments to that. What we did in the past won’t work now in the present because we are all different individuals. A great crash course in blending families.

Now, I don’t speak about other religions because, quite frankly, they’re not party to this conversation. Jerry is a non-practicing Christian. By that, I mean his faith in Christ has been rocked. He has begun his blog series titled “Transitions” which will speak about that, I’m sure. He was a member of a church his whole life. He was a chairman of the Evangelism Commission of a United Methodist Church (which I believe I’d recognize as a “deacon” of sorts). He was very active in church life until his faith was rocked. Does that make him less of a Christian? I don’t think so. He’s still being tested and I’m sure when he comes out on the other side, his faith will be restored and even stronger than ever. The Bible is full of accounts of people’s faiths being tested.

I believe in all paths to God. I don’t care what you call that God. I don’t care if you believe in multiple Gods. If you want to know about MY beliefs, I’ll tell you about them. If you want to debate about MY beliefs, I might even give that a go as long as you agree that logic and reason has no place in the debate. And, if you don’t believe in any higher power at all, that’s just ducky too. I’ll pray for you (although I’m not likely to tell you that) so that you can find a path to God. But that’s just one of those Christian duties of mine: to pray for non-believers.

Occasionally my beliefs differ from the Bible. For instance this thing against homosexuality? Hogwash. I do not believe that my loving, kind, caring God would create a human (and yes, science proves that homosexuals are born that way) and turn around and say “It’s an abomination!” No, no. That was man’s additions to the text, in my opinion. Why? Well, that’s a topic for another discussion. The point I’m trying to make is this: I call myself a Christian. I’m a believer in the Bible. However, not the ENTIRE Bible do I believe because it was written by man and men make mistakes. They’re human. It’s been thousands of years since it was originally written (the parts thereof) and who knows if the translators got it all right? So on and so forth. Some “books” of the Bible have even been left out!

So I do a gut check. Does this action feel RIGHT to me? Is this something I’d like someone do to me? If the answer is no, then I don’t do it. If the answer is yes, I do it. Of course, I get some false positives and such doing it this way but I am guided by my conscience more than anything else.

So, yes, I can be a Christian and make mistakes. I have a Lord who forgives and forgets. He can turn the other cheek. When I do something I feel is wrong, I stand up and say so. I go to the person I’ve hurt and apologize. If I have truth on my side, I do not. If I feel I did the right thing, I will keep on doing the right thing and praying for God to guide my actions and thoughts on a daily basis. I may apologize or feel sympathy if it causes hurt and pain in someone. But I’ll keep doing what I believe is right and just.

 

E-mealz: losing weight, saving time and money

Okay. I’m not usually a walking advertisement for products/services on my blogs. I do product/service reviews for my Examiner column (yes, I’m back writing there). I do share information on my facebook page about products/services. I do retweet and tweet about products, services and/or groups.  But usually my personal blog doesn’t do all that much of that (except that contest I entered and won a desk for).

 

This post will also be an exception because I HAVE to tell you all about this: E-mealz. AWESOME!

 

I have autism and grocery shopping (well, shopping of any kind) has always been a hassle for me. Also, I have trouble with decision-making skills. Also, too, I hate spending money on food. LOL But I also have trouble if the grocery store is crowded and let’s face it, they NEVER have enough lanes open when you go to check-out. Being all bumper to bumper with people.. **shudders**

I signed my house up for e-mealz about a month ago after a therapist suggested it to us. You see, I’d spend hundreds a month on groceries and STILL have no idea what to make for supper. I’d buy extra junk just because I couldn’t decide what I’d need to have on hand. I have over 400 cookbooks in my house that I love to collect and go through to get ideas for dinner–but I can never decide which ones to do! I’m afraid to try new foods.

For a long time we did operate on a meal plan. I spent hours every Sunday choosing meals (with the input of my two boys and my husband) and making lists (by meal) and so on. THEN I’d take the coupon section and go hunting to see which stores had which items I needed on sale or have a coupon for. While I actually enjoyed the activity (autism-issue), it did waste a lot of time and money because, quite frankly, I wasn’t that good at it.

Since I hated shopping, I’d resist going to multiple stores to get the best deal. I like going to ONE store. Well, that meant adjusting the meal plan to what that one store had on sale and vs. what my family would eat/try to eat. With children who have autism, they have picky-eater syndrome so it can be rough-going!

Well, once I started using the meal plans at e-mealz, I saved a HUGE amount of time as it was all done for me. I had a meal plan based on the grocery store I go to the most often. There were meals that were new to all of us–so the kids were more willing to try something new if mom and dad were trying something new too. And because three out of four of us have weight issues, I chose the low-fat meal plan. My husband has lost 20 lbs! In.a.month! My oldest son has lost 10 lbs. I have lost five. Isn’t that always the way for women?

And the money saved! I’d buy things at the store just to buy SOMETHING to get out of there. Well those things were wasting away on my shelves because I never knew what to do with them or the kids weren’t willing to eat them. No more wasted food! And because all the meals are based on sale-priced items, I’m saving over $100/wk on groceries. The economy is tight for a lot of folks, so saving money is always a good thing!

 

There is a catch to all this. Isn’t there always? You see, it does cost money to join their service. It’s $5 a month. Paid in 3 month installments (so $15 at a time, every 3 months; that’s 4 times a year, for a total of $60 a year). But considering I easily save $1200/year… I think it’s still a win for those who use it!

 

I do wish they had an option for inputting allergies (for instance Thomas can’t eat pears and I can’t eat seafood of any kind or too much tomatoes). But I’m hoping they’ll have that option soon…

 

They do have different meal plan types, including gluten-free, low-carb, low fat, etc. They can personalize it for couples or roommates, etc. Whatever makes up your “family”, they seem to have a plan for! It is also only for one meal a day– you can easily have left-overs for lunch the next day and add a box of cereal for breakfast (or a dozen eggs and loaf of bread, etc.).  The traditional serving size of the meals that go with our plan is four-six servings per meal. We have four people in our family unit. Sometimes there’s more than six servings and then we invite people to join us for supper, share the left-overs with our friends, or whatever. None of it goes to waste. But usually there are six servings.. we use four at supper time, and then when the boys are in school, Jerry and I have the left-overs the next day as our lunch. If we don’t, we take a night off and have Left-Overs night. I do have a cookbook that teaches you how to take left overs from one meal and turn it into a fresh meal the next day. Which is handy to have when one doesn’t “like” left-overs like my husband sometimes doesn’t.

 

Thomas and Brandon both have enjoyed the variety of foods we’ve had. Although Thomas has missed cooking his meals since we got this super-duper helper lady who prepares the meals ahead of time so we can just pop them in the oven later, he loves the new food. Tonight was Saucy Pork Chops and served with steamed white rice, broccoli florets, apple sauce and cornbread. C’mon.. talk about delicious! The sauce was made from ketchup, brown sugar, onion slices and lemon juice. O.M.Goodness!  And I don’t like ketchup.

 

Another new food we tried last week (may have been the week before) was Creole Pork and Pasta. I mistakenly forgot to buy the tomato sauce that was supposed to go over the pasta so just sub’d olive oil (obviously used less oil than I would have used sauce) and it was to-die-for good! Who knew I liked Creole seasoning?!?! Who knew Thomas did?!?!?  Even Bboy– who didn’t start eating table foods until about 3 or 4 years ago– ate ALL of it!

 

All of these meals are made with whole wheat items and low-fat items. And I cannot tell the difference in taste (except whole wheat pasta.. just doesn’t taste the same but it is okay).

 

Okay, I’m starting to ramble now but I just can’t stop saying enough good things about this plan. The best thing though? Eating all together as a family. Can’t put a price tag on that!