Back in the Day… When I was that age…

I have often heard this phrase: “Back in the day, when I was a kid…” and it usually follows with some form or shape of how I need to spank my kids to make them behave better. If I would just give T a good wallop on the behind, he’d behave better. He’d listen more. He’d pay attention to authority figures, by god! If only I had a penny for every time I heard that! I’d be a rich woman by now! I get it from teachers, friends, family, and strangers alike. I even get it from my husband.

 

He wrote this blog recently: Back in the Day (http://aviewfromthemountain.wordpress.com/views-from-the-mountain/back-in-the-day/) where he discussed this viral Facebook status:

 

“When I was a kid I didn’t have an xbox, wii, ps3, or cell phone. I had a bike and a curfew a.k.a the street lights. I lived outside, not inside. If I didn’t eat what my mom made then I didn’t eat. I didn’t dare tell my mom “no,” or talk back. Life wasn’t hard, it was life. And I survived! Repost if you drank water out the hose and hand sanitizer didn’t exist, but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap.”

 

In my husband’s blog post, he took a trip down memory lane, sharing the details of an incident from his childhood. He then shared a similar incident with my son and compared the two. He wondered if my son would learn the lesson being taught without the benefit of corporal punishment for any length of time.

 

Yes, he did. It’s been months now and he has not played with matches. He has not asked to play with matches. Or even the lighter and candle. Heck, we can barely get him to ignite the burn barrel now. And he learned that lesson without the benefit of his hands being smacked or his butt being spanked.

 

Let me say this first off: I do not believe that spanking in general is physical abuse. That is certainly not what my husband was referring to either. We are talking about spankings and not beatings.  He mentioned that he had survived the way his parents raised him. Yep, I got spankings too growing up (a whole whopping 3 of them). But, since he brought up my beliefs against corporal punishment for children, not just those with autism but any child really and especially for those with autism, I thought I’d share WHY I believe that while back in the day parents spanked all the time does not mean we need to spank now.

 

We, well, not me and my husband per se, but some humans somewhere, build bridges. We build them so we can get from point A to point B when there is something else in the way. That could be another road, a river, a ditch… whatever.  There were bridges 200 years ago even. Maybe not in America yet (heh) but we had them elsewhere in the world. Could you imagine building a bridge today like that which was built 200 years ago? Why not? We use different techniques today to build bridges because we know more now about building bridges. We can make them stronger, hold more weight, and be resistant to natural forces such as earthquakes.

 

We build buildings too.  Big, hulking, skyscrapers.  We didn’t do that 200 years ago (I’m not sure when it started) but let’s just go back 54 years like my husband did. In that 54 years, we’ve learned how to build houses so they are more efficient energy wise, so they are resistant to burning down in a fire, so they can withstand hurricane force winds and tornados. We can build big, tall buildings that are resistant to earthquakes even. That’s something we did not have just 54 years ago. So, if what we used to do, and what has always been done, is good enough in the world of disciplining our children, why do we bother advancing in other areas?

 

My husband loves his computer. He has a degree for his knowledge of how to make applications systems. All kinds of systems! He can debug them too. His knowledge is amazing to me. He created a phonebook application on my computer with just typing at some keys and clicking of a mouse and viola! I had a purple address book on my computer. And a recipe database for all my recipes. ALL of them. That’s amazing! Little things like that are truly wondrous to me. But we didn’t have that capability 54 years ago.

 

We do things differently, and in some cases better, than we have done them in the past because we know better now. We now know how to discipline our children with punishments and rewards to create the desired behavior we want. The problem isn’t that I don’t spank T. The problem is that I’m not (and my husband is not) consistent with the discipline. I fully take blame for T’s behavior for the first 8 years with him as I was totally a permissive parent. I’d often look the other way and pretend I didn’t see a bad behavior because I couldn’t cope with the stress of being a parent on my own. I admit it. I feel guilt over it. That is why T acts the way he does now. Not because I didn’t spank him, but because I didn’t discipline him AT ALL.

 

I have found a technique that works with T and when I can remember to use it, it works. Jerry even admits it works. So, why can’t we seem to stick to it? Our own old habits get in the way. He wants to spank or yell like he did with his kids and like his parents did with him and so on back through the generations. I want to look the other way and pretend I didn’t see it because I’m tired. 

 

Also, with spanking, we’re hitting our kids in an erogenous zone there on the buttocks. Their brains are still wiring themselves and forming synapses and connections. There have been studies showing a link between being spanked and forming “sexually deviant desires” known as bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism (BDSM). Of course, some will argue that those are sexually deviant matters or preferences. And some will argue that they were not spanked and still have those fetishes.  But what’s true for the majority does not have to be true for all: there will be exceptions to every “rule.”

 

And, as my husband did mention in his post, T would not connect the dots between his behavior and his receiving a punishment. We’re still working on that. I wonder if it has more to do with the bipolar disorder than the autism, but whatever the cause, he equates the punishment with the person giving it and not the behavior he’s being punished for. So while my dear husband may say he did not fear his parents, I know T fears him.

 

We want our children not to pick up the message “Oh, when Mommy or Daddy gets mad at me, they hit me.” We want them to get the message that “When I make a bad behavior choice, I get a bad consequence I don’t like.” We do not need corporal punishment to send that message. It brings to mind an episode of SuperNanny that I saw. This poor woman had 7 children within 8 years. She was stressed beyond belief and she constantly spanked (really, swatted) her children’s bums, and yelled almost constantly. I was hard pressed to find a time, in the beginning, when she talked to her kids in a normal tone of voice. I am not judging her, just stating what I saw. Once SuperNanny, Jo Frost, got the mom to agree to try something new (don’t get me wrong, I don’t like time outs either)… we saw the mom getting very frustrated as her daughter pushed her buttons. Her daughter was TRYING to get her mother to spank her because she wanted to prove that her mother hadn’t changed, wasn’t going to change. There was a moment where mom was yelling, at the top of her lungs, at this child, in her face. It was quite disturbing to watch. Jo pulled her away, grabbed mom by the shoulders and began speaking to her, asking her how was she feeling, what did she want to do, etc. The mom said she wanted to spank her daughter. Jo asked why, and Mom said “Because I’m mad!”… Jo pointed out that mom only wanted to spank her child to relieve her own frustrations and it was not about teaching the child the lesson at hand. Quite an impact on a person when it’s shown so clearly like that.

 

I realize that not every parent who spanks does so to relieve their own frustration and tension. For some, a rare few, it is all about the teaching of a lesson. But for most?  It *is* about the anger the parent is feeling because their child dares to do something they, the parents, do not like.  And in the end, kids DO fear their parents and not the punishment. It’s not “oh man, I just did XYZ and I’m gonna get it now!” No, it becomes “Oh man, this is gonna tick off Dad and Mom! They’re going to be so mad at me!”.. and what we really want, if we’re using aversive tools to try and teach correct behavior, is fear of the punishment, not the punisher.  I believe there are far more effective techniques that parents and doctors and other people have learned over the last 54 years about human behavior and child development that we no longer need to do what we did “back in the day.”  Jerry and I just need to parent our children consistently and make a plan of discipline we both can agree on and make sure we both follow through with THAT plan so we do not resort to past habits.

 

Now, as for the rest of the post, I can genuinely agree with him. I miss those days from my childhood, just 20 years ago, when we spent more time outdoors than in, when we came home when the street lights came on, when we drank from the hose, when we built forts in the woods behind our houses and camped out in them, when we could go trick or treating age seven with our pals, when we could ride our bikes around the neighborhoods, and so on. There are so many things kids are not allowed to do any more for their “Safety” (and some of that is not so bad), but it has taken a toll on the way society lives now. We are less free to be than we have ever been before. And it is not because we do not spank our children anymore. If anything, it’s because kids who were spanked more are now grown and out there in the world practicing sexually deviant behaviors on children. (Okay, so that is a bit of an extremist view there! And not sure I really believe that but it seems logical to me).

My frustration with Chronic Pain:

 

“I used to do so much with my time. I once was working four jobs! How do I go from working two full time jobs and two part time jobs to just barely being able to stay awake long enough to tuck my kids into bed? How did I go from being able to walk the three miles to work to being able to barely walk to the other side of my house? How did I go from playing hide and seek, tag (“touched ya last”), and board games with my kids, to barely be able to handle having a conversation with them? Fibromyalgia. It stole a lot from it. And that pisses me off. It really does. But more on that in another post. ”

In addition to the fibromyalgia, I also have osteoarthritis and degenerative joint disease (they’re basically the same thing). The osteoarthritis is located not only in joints, but along bones as well. But if the patient only has the pains in the joints, that’s when they call it DJD. I have it in Every. Single. Joint. In. My. Body. Including. My. Toes.

{source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001460/ ]

Osteoarthritis or DJD is caused by the wearing away of cartilage.

• Cartilage is the firm, rubbery tissue that cushions your bones at the joints, and allows bones to glide over one another.
• Cartilage can break down and wear away. As a result, the bones rub together, causing pain, swelling, and stiffness.
• Bony spurs or extra bone may form around the joint, and the ligaments and muscles around the hip become weaker and stiffer.

It is an “old person’s disease” to me. Usually people over 55 start getting symptoms and by age 70, the diseased has progressed to the stage I’m in now at the age of 34. I got this disorder from my mother’s side of the family. Thanks, Mom!  Ha! At any rate, I think the DJD began early in age after a football injury tore apart and eviscerated my cartilage in my right knee. I didn’t have it operated on until age 14 though.  I learned to deal with the pain. The awesomeness of my autism, I believe, is what allows me to disassociate from the pain. My then orthopedic surgeon told my father a story: “Your daughter is one of those types of people who could be sitting at home alone, with a gouge on her belly, her innards dripping out and someone calls. She’ll answer in response to “How are you?” with “oh, I got an annoying scratch but other than that I’m good.” LOL He summed me up well!

My knee was in such poor condition, he felt he might have to operate it open-knee style instead of laparoscopically. However, a new manufacturer of one of these devices asked the doctor to try theirs out, let them film it for promotional materials and see how it goes. This was at a teaching hospital. I okay’d it, and we did it that way. Came out beautiful, if I do say so myself. I was able to walk out of the recovery room, holding my crutches instead of using them. J

From that point on though, the damage was done. You see, because I did not get my knee checked out at the time of the original injury (other than to elevate it and ice it the first day it was swollen), I developed a funny way of walking so I wouldn’t limp. It made my hips go out of proper alignment as well, leading me to develop scoliosis.  Having things out of alignment, tears things up quicker than normal.

“Pain and stiffness in the joints are the most common symptoms. The pain is often worse after exercise and when placing weight or pressure on the joint.

Your joints become stiff and harder to move over time. You may notice a rubbing, grating, or crackling sound when you move the joint.

The phrase “morning stiffness” refers to the pain and stiffness people feel when they first wake up in the morning. Stiffness usually lasts for 30 minutes or less. It is improved by mild activity that “warms up” the joint.

During the day, the pain may get worse with activity and feel better when you are resting. After a while, the pain may be present when you’re resting. It may even wake you up at night.”

[source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001460/ }

You can see that there are similar symptoms between OA (osteoarthritis) and fibromyalgia (FMS). The morning stiffness, the fatigue, the pain, the pain, the pain. The problem?  “The pain is often worse after exercise and when placing weight or pressure on the joint.” See, to treat my fibromyalgia before, I’d exercise. It was the only way to get the annoying aches to go away. I’d take a nap after exercise, and wake up feeling pretty damn good! I could keep my house clean, I could cook dinners still, I could rouse around with my children still. Not a big deal anymore!

However, that wear and tear from treating my FMS made my OA worse. It wore out more cartilage in no time. Even though most of the exercises consisted of stretching (and bending at the joints!) it did considerable damage. I’m at the point now, where I can barely walk 10 feet before the pain becomes so intense I *have* to sit down or I will *fall* down.

Currently, to treat my FMS, I’m  taking two medications. One is called lyrica and it takes away most of the muscle aches, the neuropathy pain in my feet, hands and upper back that feel like a million wasps stinging you at the same time, and allows me to sleep. Like, for real sleep. Like, I even dream sleep! Oh that is so awesome! And for more than an hour at a time usually. The problem? There’s a side effect to Lyrica which makes the fatigue 10 times worse! I couldn’t even get out of bed in the mornings anymore… my previous post mentioned my day –to-day routine and that has so changed since starting Lyrica. I don’t have the energy to do even that anymore! So, doctor put me on Savella. I had tried it before but it did nothing for the pain, any of it, and it kept me awake for days at a time. It was like I was on speed! My mind was going a mile a minute but my body couldn’t keep up! So, I had stopped taking it to try Lyrica. Well, since Lyrica puts me to sleep or just makes me so tired, we added Savella for the energy boost. It works! I just only take it in the mornings though so I can sleep at night and I had to add back in my Ativan because I became more anxious on the Savella than I was before.

However, as much relief from pain I feel when I manage to remember to take my pills, I still have CHRONIC PAIN in my lower back, hips and knees. They lock up on me when I’m trying to walk and then I fall. Or they give way, and I fall. Or they can’t lift me out of a chair and I fall. It freaking sucks! And if I try and treat any of this with its recommended treatments, guess what? It makes my fibro worse!

From the same source above:

Complications:

• Adverse reactions to drugs used for treatment
• Decreased ability to perform everyday activities, such as personal hygiene, household chores, or cooking
• Decreased ability to walk
• Surgical complications

These are the complications that come from treating OA, either with medication, physical therapy, acupressure (which hurts the fibro tender points!), and/or surgical options.

I think I’m at the point where surgery is needed but there’s a problem with that. Say, for an example, they operate on the lower discs in my back. They get them realigned and inject fake cartilage in there to help protect the discs from rubbing against each other, right? Well, now the rest of my spine is out of place, as my hips bones. Then my shoulders are out of alignment and so on throughout the body. This would then require multiple surgeries. I’m not sure I’m at that point yet because even if I do these surgeries, there may be complications. One person I recently heard of went completely blind, forever, following back surgery. I’m not sure yet that the unguaranteed results outweigh the risks involved. But I may soon not have a choice. Or rather, the choice will become: wheelchair or surgery. At age 34.

I had my children on purpose. There was a plan in place. One of the considerations of my plan was my age. I wanted to have them young enough so that I would be 45 years old when my youngest turned 18. Sounds good don’t it? 45 years old and an empty nest! I would still be young enough to enjoy those years.  Or so I thought. Now with my chronic pain issues… well, not so much, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I love having kids and it’s what I wanted to be when I grow up. That was going to be my job. But like others,  I would retire from my job and look forward to that time in my life. Imagine if you could retire from your job at age 45? Wouldn’t that been grand? Well, such as life. Because even if I didn’t have chronic pain issues, my sons have moderate forms of autism that affect their functioning abilities and they may never be able to live independently or interdependently outside of my home. I hope that they will… strong hope for my eldest. But I have hope that they can achieve this goal of living on their “own” by say, age 25 or so. They just need a few more years in their arc of maturity is all. Still, that would leave me at age 49. A great young age in which to enjoy retirement. It would’ve been nice. But it seems it won’t happen QUITE the way I pictured it. Between the OA and the FMS, the DJD, etc. I’m going to be wheelchair bound.

That in itself isn’t so bad, don’t get me wrong. But when you go from a person who worked four jobs at one time, who could and did walk for miles on end for the simple enjoyment of it, and so on to being wheelchair bound? I think I’m going through a grieving process. I know at the end of this process, I’ll accept my new normal. Just as I did with the fibromyalgia. Just as I did with my kids’ autism. Just as I did at every life-altering event.

I do not tend to ruminate on my problems. I will do a status update on Facebook about it, and get supportive comments. It’s my support group. But I do not spend hours a day thinking and wishing life were different. Of course, I do wish life were different but I found if I stay stuck in that mindset, I stay stuck in great pain, anxiety and eventually it all leads to depression.  I don’t like being depressed. It’s so…. Depressing! So I avoid rumination and if it’s a tough day, I give myself that time to wallow in pity for an hour or so, and then pick myself back up, dust myself off, lecture myself and remind myself of the positives in my life. I acknowledge the sucky and praise the blessings. That is how I cope on a daily basis of chronic pain.

It’s not easy on my family either. And I often do not complain out loud to them when I’m in pain. What’s the point of advertising my troubles where there’s no market to sell at? If I continually tell them “I’m in pain right now, about a level 6,” they’re going to get sick of hearing it. They will build up an air of “Yeah, but you’re always hurting. What’s new?” type of mindset.  Asking my kids and hubby for help makes me feel so guilty. So guilty I could cry. It’s not fair to them to have to wait on me, serve me dinner, coffee, whatever. But some days, I have no choice and I have to ask. Those days are coming more often than not. Maybe if I had the wheelchair, I could do more for myself because I could get to point B from point A without as much difficulty and pain.

There is a story out there that can be used to describe our life to others. To those who looks at us and see no deformities and ask “What’s your problem? Why can’t you just do it? The more you do it, the better/easier it will get! Quit being a crybaby! If you didn’t whine so much, you’d feel better. If you ate more vegetables, you’d feel better. If you’d pop vitamins like candy, you’d feel better.” And the list of unhelpfulness goes on. So, how do you explain to others that support should come in other ways than snide remarks of “you’re just suffering from laziness”? Simple. Tell them the Spoon Theory. You can read it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/personal-essays/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/  I still get teary-eyed every time I read it.

 

My husband now asks me “How many spoons ya got?” before asking me to do something and I return the favor. It’s a way of acknowledging the circumstances without making the other feel guilty if the answer is “none.”  It’s a way of acknowledging the sucky, without dwelling on it or complaining about it constantly which erodes sympathy, understanding and compassion that those of us with “invisible disabilities” so desperately need from our loved ones.  It can also be used to describe other disorders, such as Autism, or Sensory Processing Disorder. Any disorder actually. I hope you take the time to read it and understand it. It’s very valuable to the disability community in advocating support for themselves.

 

So, now you know a bit more about why I’m frustrated with my life.

 

Autism, Roommates, and Judging Characters.

“People with Autism are not always great at judging people’s characters.”

This was said to me last Monday by a therapist (not mine) when I asked for hints on how to deal with a situation I saw building with a roommate of ours. He gave me some tips, told me something I already knew but needed reminding of. Really helpful, actually, as best as he could be.

Well, I never thought of myself as being a bad judge of character but after what happened today, I may have to rethink that position. Maybe I *am* one of those autistic people who do not judge character well. I should’ve listened to those around me who were trying to warn me, especially my husband. Next time, I will. If there is a next time!

We use an agency that provides in-home care. We have our personal care attendant (PCA). Our insurance companies cover the costs of this help (also receive weekly nursing care, etc) because we are physically disabled to the point of being unable to do certain chores, including cooking and cleaning. PCAs also assist with bathing and running errands.

Last year, my husband and I were talking about our spare rooms we have. There are two of them. One of them was my office. The other was… ummm.. what was it? Oh yeah, a laundry sorting room. Actually it was a bedroom, but that’s what we used it for after my mom and step-dad got their own place. So,  we were discussing how to use the space in our house most effectively for us.

We thought about being foster parents. After all, we have the room and there are kids out there needing a good home, ya know? I have talent with special needs kids, wouldn’t that be great? Well, reality is, we physically couldn’t take more kids on. They’d be short-shrifted.

Well, we need help around here. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we have roommates? We could offer a deal: 10-15 hours a week worth of work in exchange for the room. Help with yard work, little household fix-up chores, etc. That sounded like a plan but we never went through with putting an ad out or nothing because the lady who was working for us as a PCA ended up needing a place to stay.

Her name was Misti and I thought she was really nice. She started working for us and on her first day we loaned her gas money to run our errands. This is a big no-no by the agency. One of their requirements is that you keep enough gas in your vehicle to ensure the ability to run our errands. Well, we did it not knowing that, and feeling bad for her as they do not reimburse them for mileage.

The next day, she showed up to work and her husband and three kids were out in the car. This was during the summertime last year when it was at least 100 degrees outside. Are you kidding me? I’m not gonna make some kids stay in a HOT car while you work five-six hours!! I told her to bring them in. She said that’s against agency policy and she’s not even supposed to have them in her car but she didn’t have no place for them to go for the day. They’re bored at home. As if they’d be more excited about sitting in a car?? Really?? Whatever. I told her I wouldn’t tell; go ahead and bring them in. I’m worried about them kids in the heat.

That started a pattern. She not only brought her kids nearly every day, but she started bringing her brother’s kids; her younger (age 12 and 14) brother and sister to babysit while she was working too. I didn’t say nothing cause I absolutely love kids and adored these ones. Yes, they got bratty and whiny at times, but ya know? They’re kids!!

Her husband began taking my oldest son with him to go fishing here and there. She would make us pots of coffee and brings us our cups. I thought the coffee wasn’t in her job description but I was told that’s part of their “meal prep” is to get our drinks for us, too. Whatever. Thought it was super sweet of her. At the end of her day, there’d be time left over and she’d play cards with me on the days she didn’t bring her kids. Rare days, but they happened.

Of course, she never brought food or drinks for her kids (or her brother’s kids or her brother and sister) and I’d offer my food and drinks for them. It wasn’t much… we’re talking soup and crystal light at the most. But still… nice back and forth in my opinion.

Whenever she first got here we had a lot of animals. I mean a LOT. Something like 12 animals. So the house stunk like them and they had accidents in the house. We were trying to get rid of the majority of them but every time we turn around, another one is getting dumped on our property. You face animal cruelty charges if you don’t take care of any animal on your property—whether you want them or not. So, we’d take care of them best we could and find them forever homes. Well, it got out of hand quickly.

I told her, please, if you see a pile of something, from the animals, just tell one of us and we’ll pick it up. Don’t try to vacuum it up (as one PCA did), just let us know. Well, one day I caught her picking some up and I said “I told you just to tell us and we’d get it.” And she said “oh it’s no big deal. I’ve had animals all my life. I’m a country girl. A little poop ain’t gonna bother me none.” And so I let it go.

She worked hard at keeping up with us. She helped me out in areas of the house that weren’t part of her job. For instance, she’d vacuum my sons’ rooms and clean their bathroom once a week and such. It didn’t really take her all that much longer and she always had extra time left over and she said she liked to stay busy.

In exchange for all this extra work, we were extra nice to her. For instance, there were some days she didn’t come to work, for one reason or another. I’d call her in on the phone system anyway. All you had to do was enter codes. She wrote them down for me and I’d do that for her so she’d still get paid even though she wasn’t there working. I felt it was fair of her to ask me to do that.

One day, she told me over the phone her and her hubby, kids, et al were going to a water park. I asked her if the kids and I could come with. She said sure. Then blew me off. She told me later that day that her father and brother ended up going with them, that they didn’t go to that water park cause she ended up not getting paid like she was supposed to and that her brother just wanted a family day. I said “Okay.” That was on a Saturday or Sunday. Later on, her ex-mom-in-law left a comment on my Facebook about her calling her Ex-MIL that day from the water park.  Then, later that week, she talked about loaning money (the same day she allegedly didn’t get paid) to her sister-in-law. That’s when I couldn’t stand it and told her that her MIL told me on Facebook she went to the water park. She teared up and I said it was okay, just don’t EVER lie to me. If she was worried about hurting my feelings, don’t worry about that as I’d rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie any day.

Well, things were going great right along like that until one day she called and asked to stay with us. Whosever parents house they were at, they were getting kicked out of. She told me a sob story of how her mom took her whole paycheck and all of their food stamps and then kicked them out. She had three kids! And a dog. I haven’t seen any shelters for people around here to speak of so I don’t know where they would’ve gone, ya know? So, since Jerry and I had thought of this doing something like this before, we struck a deal.

Above and beyond her PCA duties, she’d cook supper, clean up after, and help around the house an extra 10 hours a week. Her hubby would help with house chores like fixing our swimming pool, or cleaning it, or picking up yard waste, and so on. They agreed. What was my office became their girls’ room. I even sold them a bed that was my youngest son’s bed for a quarter—a quarter she found on our floor. LOL. I went to the furniture place and purchased a bunk bed. I was going to give them the top bunk whenever they moved out so that their son had a bed too.  Her son shared a room with my youngest. They took over the spare bedroom.

Well, from that day forward she really stopped working for the most part. The mess accumulated with five kids, four adults and more animals. She kept up with the kitchen for the most part, but she didn’t do the suppers. She didn’t know how to cook what I bought (I bought meat that didn’t come in a box). She stopped even doing her PCA work—but still clocked in on the phone system to get paid. Jerry, my husband, finally said something to her after about a week of this. She said “yes, I plan on getting back to work. I’m just trying to get settled in and into a routine.” So Jerry dropped it. No biggie, right? Right.

Well, they took my oldest camping one weekend and T had a horrible time and never really wanted to go again but he did go with them during the day to go fishing. Every weekend they were gone to this free campsite to fish and camp out. They’d spend their food stamp money on “camping food” which is basically junk food—Lil’ Debbie snacks and stuff. That next paycheck, they spent it on bathing suits and stuff for her and the kids. I didn’t say anything about it but she had originally told me that they’d not have any more paychecks for the rest of the month. I let it go. She had begun working again around the house so I figured no big deal. I’d cook with her to show her how.  I love teaching people how to cook. It’s fun.

One day, one of her daughters had a birthday and they were throwing her a party at a local park. I went with them and bought a grill, hamburgers, hot dogs, buns, etc. as my part of the birthday gift to the girl. Her brother showed up to stop off and see his kids, including a toddler (who couldn’t walk). I swear that boy had autism or some developmental delay. He was still in diapers, of course. But she forgot a diaper bag. So did the kids’ mom who was also there hanging out. So after the party, we all stopped by the Dollar General, and I bought the kid an outfit and some diapers (they had him in the river and the sun went down and that baby was COLD). They didn’t have a car seat for him so I put him in my van since it has a built-in one that normally I wouldn’t trust but it was better than nothing. But it was a good time.

She eventually moved out into her own place with her husband and kids. We kept the bed we intended for her son because they didn’t have room anyway in their new place. Things were going great for them. Her husband applied for and been approved for disability income because he couldn’t hold down a job due to some health problems I won’t share here. Suffice it to say, he deserved getting disability.

Mind you, during this time I caught her in a few lies. She also had a problem with those energy pills… she’d abuse them. She took EIGHT one day when the dose is ONE. I should’ve seen this coming.

She had her ex-mother-in-law come for a visit one day and she was very nice. She even brought me some books to read.  That entire day was spent with her mom-in-law and I playing cards with Misti while she did laundry. Laundry is in the job description. The kids were with her again, as usual. But as I said I didn’t mind that. But they didn’t clean the front room before they left so my kids had to do it later as part of their chores. We had a good visit and after a few hours, they left (early) and I promised to clock her out.

Sometime after that, I think it was like a week or so, on a Friday, Misti tells me she’s quitting the agency and I’ll be getting a new PCA. I was disappointed because even after all that we were still friends. Good friends, I thought. Well, by the end of the visit (which was just her on the phone making personal phone calls cause I got free long distance, and playing cards and drinking my coffee) she told me she had changed her mind. She wanted to stay being a PCA because while they didn’t NEED the money from her job anymore, she needed the job for her sanity—to get out of the house. I asked her to make sure her boss at the company knew she had changed her mind. She said she would.

The following Monday, I got a call from her sister-in-law saying she had been in the ER the previous night from dehydration. I asked if she was coming that day or not (as I didn’t believe this to be true but rather that she was quitting after all). The SIL said “Well, if she does, she’ll be there. If not, she won’t be.” What the heck does that mean? How long am I supposed to wait? So, in the afternoon I called the agency.

I told the boss lady that I knew Misti had said she wanted to quit but that she had changed her mind but called in sick today after all. Before I could finish, she cut me off and said nastily, “What do you expect after you treat a PCA that way?” and preceded to tell me my PCAs are not there to clean up after MY kids, MY pets, and so on. She’s not a waitress to be bringing me coffee and taking my kids on errands with her, etc. I cried. I couldn’t even talk. I hung up the phone.

I called my husband into the room and told him what went on. I talked to my case manager and told her the truth-the WHOLE truth. It came down to that I don’t keep healthy boundaries. I needed to remember that my PCAs are there to work, not to be my friends. Okay, lesson learned.

Now whenever someone is telling me their life story and I see the same thing happening again and again, I tend to think “Yeah right. Always someone else’s fault and never your own. Why don’t you wake up and smell the coffee?? You can’t ALWAYS be the victim.”

Well, even as hard as it is to believe, and I’d have trouble believing this if someone else were writing it. But it happened again.

We met a new PCA. She seemed really good and nice. Knew her about a week and I started asking if her and her husband were interested in being roommates to help us out. Hubby said “Aren’t you kinna pushing it? Moving too fast?” I told him I was just feeling them out. We’d get references and such first. But it might behoove us to see if they’re interested since they didn’t seem to like living where they were living—with his mom and her boyfriend. Said his mom was always questioning their business, where their money goes, how much they got, etc. Didn’t think nothing of it really but felt kind of bad for them.

Well maybe a day or two later, after they had stayed for dinner with us and played cards with us after work, she called us and asked if we had room for them cause the husband and step-father got into it big time. I said, okay. It was snowing out. That was when we actually got a real snow storm. Didn’t mention dogs but they brought two dogs and a cat with them. I felt they were a good fit because they were kid-less. Should’ve made sure they were animal-less too. But, we let them stay the night otherwise they’d be in their truck in that weather. And he’s a big guy. I mean, big. No way. Couldn’t be that heartless anyway.

So, we had a talk the next day. Struck a similar deal. They donated food to the house ( we let them keep some for just them to buy their own snacks and stuff that we don’t like, etc). In exchange for living rent free he had to keep job searching as he was currently unemployed, and after work hours, she had to do extra work around the house WITH HIM.  They agreed. They took over the spare room. It was… cramped in there with stuff we were storing, so they cleaned it out. We went through it and the remainder we didn’t get to going through sits in our office to this day. Wow, we’re pack rats for sure!

We eventually loaned them a lap top that was old to use to play videos games on, job search, whatever. Also loaned them a TV and hooked up the extra box for their private use in their room, as well. To be  nice. Otherwise, they’d have to wait to use our computers and/or watch whatever it is was we were watching. After the way they acted while we were trying to watch O’bama’s State of the Union Address (talking the whole way through, rolling their eyes, etc), we decided it’d benefit us too.  That was not the original deal, mind you. But we wanted them to have all the comforts they could have and feel welcomed here.

We live in the county and do not get trash pickup. It had backed up on us and filled up our back porch area. Our burn barrel had well… burned. LOL It was beyond usable. So we asked if they knew what his parents did for trash (since they live down the street). They said they didn’t know but they’d ask. Well, not too long later, after running errands in our van for us, they came back and said “oh, by the way, we stopped in at Tractor Supply and those burn barrels cost $85 plus tax.” Okay, that was pricey! No big deal right?

Later that week, her and her husband went into Ft. Smith, A.R. just over the border, about 22-25 miles from here. Turns out, their tags are expired, he doesn’t have a license and he was driving (it was suspended for not paying tickets), and they had no car insurance (or truck insurance, whatever). So he got arrested for all that plus he had a warrant for his arrest… “Criminal mischief—Destruction of property.”

Well, my Pops loaned us the money to get a burn barrel so we could hurry up and get our porch back. We went to the Tractor Supply store and the manager there tells us they don’t carry them, not now and not ever and not likely to in the future. We went to the oil change place and got two. They were $4 each. FOUR DOLLARS. I think they were trying to scam us. What do you think?

Well, when we got back, we told her about the difference and that Tractor Supply manager (who’d been working there since it opened) told us. She said “Huh.” And that was it. We let it drop. Ain’t that some shit? That’s where that catch-phrase came from. I was shocked. Here it is… lie straight to my face, have your husband back you up in it, and when you get told the truth, all you can say is, “huh?” Ain’t that some shit! Funny thing is, by the end of their stay with us, even she was using that phrase.

Well, for the entire 18 days her husband was in jail, her day/night went like this: 1-6 a.m. she was on my computer playing Facebook games. She’d sleep until the middle of the day. She’d get up, sit in my comfy recliner and watch TV until about 10 p.m. or so. Then she’d get online and do something on her game. Then I’d get it back and she’d watch T.V. until about 1 a.m. and then get on and stay on all night until 6 a.m. again. Rinse and repeat.

There was ONE exception to this routine. One of her dogs is a pit bull. They get such a bad rap but it really is the owners who teach them to behave poorly. Ordinarily, they’re pretty good dogs. Jerry was loathe to let her (the dog) stay but he did.  The roomie lady spoiled that dog, even over her other dog. This dog could do no wrong. She’d yell at my oldest for correcting her dog. She claimed he didn’t do it right and she might turn on him if he doesn’t do it right. Well, Jerry’s thought was, if she has that potential, maybe she shouldn’t be in the house.  My thought was “So teach him or correct your dog yourself.” Well, one day, Thomas was in our office, on the floor, looking as his Wild ‘N’ Weird Creatures cards. The dog kept getting in his face, wanting to play. He kept saying the dog’s name and pushing her away from chewing on his cards. Finally, he’d had enough and yelled her name and pushed the dog away really hard. Unfortunately, right into the glass of our fireplace. It didn’t break, but still.

Both myself and roomie-lady saw what happened. She yelled at Thomas. Jerry yelled at her. His back was turned and didn’t see what T had done… but he yelled at her “Well, correct your dog then. Don’t keep yelling at my son!” Well, that pissed her off. She didn’t get it. The point was this: you won’t let him correct her when she misbehaves, then correct her yourself. It doesn’t matter what that dog does—she never corrected her when it involved my kids. If the dog chewed up something, or wouldn’t come to her, she’d spank the dog. I had bought a large animal crate and told her about crate training. After all was said and done that is. We agreed to teach T how to do it while I taught her. I don’t believe in spanking kids or animals!

But that whole day she was pissed off. Mumbling under her breath about being “nothing but a live-in maid” and how she would just stay in her room by herself with her dogs except when it was time to do her chores. She had put her two dogs in their bedroom (they need room to run-duh) and they would whine. She’d yell “Shut up dogs. You’re stuck in there. You’re not allowed to come out and BOTHER anyone.” Trying to make someone feel guilty. Don’t know who cause Jerry went to lay down and neither one of us told her she had to make her dogs stay in a bedroom. She did.

Her reaction, or over-reaction, should’ve told me something then, huh?

Little things like that would happen. Her husband wasn’t much better than her sometimes but in different ways. For instance… before she quit being my PCA (because it’s against policy for her to be our PCA, she quit her job, and took over nanny-care for my boys in the afternoon/evening…more on that later), she had worked at another client’s house one morning. Then she came here and worked five hours for us. Then she cooked dinner (if I recall correctly). After dinner was done, she was taking a rest on my computer, playing a game called The Sims. She had JUST sat down. I do mean JUST sat down and got the game to load. Her husband turned to mine and asked, “Would you like coffee?” He said “Oh I would love some” as it was already made. Her husband turns to her and says, “Get him a cup of coffee.” C’mon!! Even sillier is, she got up and did it.

Towards the end here, as I mentioned, I did ask her to stop being our PCA. She could’ve still been a PCA for the agency, but she couldn’t be OUR PCA. But I could tell she wasn’t really digging the job anyway very much. The agency she works for—well, let’s just say has issues. So anyway, she quit and her husband was to keep job-searching. He did put in a lot of job applications. We worked out a schedule where the kids would come home at 3:30 p.m. after school. She’d get them their after-school snacks (for us all really since that was part of our diet). She’d then have them do some of their chores. Bboy took out the trash if it needed it, and T did the kitty-boxes.  She’d then sit with T and make sure he did his homework. I was usually napping during this time because of my medication. Afternoons are the worst for me. 

I’d get up soon after and talk with my kids. Ask them how their day way, etc. She’d cook supper. I told her we HAD to be eating by six p.m. every night because my son’s bedtime is 7. Six p.m. was the latest because he also needed “evening snack” as part of the diet. He needed some time in between meal and snack, plus time to bathe, brush teeth, read before bed, etc. His whole bedtime routine takes about an hour in and of itself. Well, we kept eating later and later. One night, we didn’t start eating until 8 p.m.  That was on a school night!

I remember one night, Jerry got a bit pissy and went to bed because it was almost seven and there was no dinner on. She was sitting in our office watching TV. She got pissy back about being on a “clock’ and how she didn’t like it that other people would get mad at her but she was doing her best and she couldn’t do it all. I didn’t know what to say. I saw both sides. On one hand, my sons and husband need to eat on a regimented status, ya know? Their diabetics. Their health depend on it. For that matter, so does her husband! But… yes, at that point in time, she was doing quite a bit more than she had been. I’d need a day off too. But it blew over.

So, from 3:30 to about 4:30 p.m. she was with my boys.  Between 5 and 6 p.m. she would start cooking dinner. We’d eat between 6 and 7 p.m. She would then help Brandon with his bedtime routine (which, while appreciated, he didn’t really NEED the help. He could bathe himself, brush his own teeth and get dressed on his own. Who cares if his PJ’s were on backwards?) and put him to bed.  This routine also included chores which was picking up the ‘family room’ where Bboy hangs out during free-time playing video games. Boys also unload the dishwasher after supper  (from what the new PCA does during the day)and T burns trash for his nightly chores. She would then go into her room with her husband or stay with me in the office/living room to watch TV for awhile. Rest up after dinner. She’d then go into her room and go online for awhile. I’d not see her again until about 2 or 2:30 p.m. the next day. But according to Jerry, she’d come out at about 3 or 4 a.m. and do dishes.  All I know is they’d be done by time I woke up at six or six-thirty a.m. to get the kids off to school. And that’s how the day would go during the week.

Now, our agreement was that she would clean certain rooms in the house in addition to cooking supper and cleaning up after supper. She would clean her own room, wash her own clothes (in our machines of course), she would keep her bathroom clean for guests as it was a guest bathroom, she would help the boys keep their rooms clean and she would help the boys keep their playroom and family room clean. By help, I mean by vacuuming it as they’d pick up any messes on their own but they’d need dusting and vacuuming. Well, instead of doing that during the week every night, she chose to do it on Saturday. She could’ve done it any other day if she wanted to but she said it was part of her routine no matter where she was living. She’d get up and cook everyone breakfast and clean all day. So I said okay. I don’t care when she did it!

She did that for two weekends. These past two weekends not counting the Saturday I’m writing this. They’ve been here for… two months? Thereabouts anyway. And two Saturdays out of all those days, she’s actually done this.  The first Saturday she even cleaned out our fridge. I was impressed. Of course, our office/living space, dining room, bedroom, and bathroom weren’t done cause our PCA takes care of our living space areas.  Delicious breakfasts, too. Fattening and not good for diabetics, but tasty! She did take the day off on Sundays, as we all do to respect the Lord’s Day of rest.

Okay, so that’s about how it goes. Of course, there is the arguing. She argues more than my niece ever did! She argues more than a person with oppositional Defiance Disorder does! My word. She actually argued with a 41 year-old man who is our friend about who is a bigger slut. I swear to Gosh from the land of Golly-Gee!! Who argues about that?? Seriously? For one, he has 20 more years of getting-around experience anyway and for two… that’s what you want to be known for??

Then, she argues with our new PCA about who smokes the meat up at the BBQ place near our house. Even when the PCA says she has family working there, this girl continues to argue with her. She argues with me about legal stuff (and then has to admit I’m right), she argues with my kids! Of course, T likes to argue himself so they’d go at it all the time. Debating… bickering… whatever ya want to call it. They’re doing it.

That was one aspect of her personality that I couldn’t stand. You knew she was bullspitting you. You knew it. She knew it. She knew you knew it and she still did it. What the heck? When confronted with those types, I often let them talk to the wall. I don’t care as it usually doesn’t matter to my life. It’s usually about her past, such as where she’s worked, how well she’s worked for someone, etc. It’s all talk. I let it go. I guess that should’ve been a clue too.

Well, earlier this week, we had to tell them they had until the end of the month to get out. The problem is, if we have live-in help for our kids, the person or person could help us too. We’d lose services. Didn’t want that to happen! Nor did we want to take advantage of the ‘system’.  We were just trying to help out some people and ourselves in the bargain.

Well, sometime this week, she mentioned how she’s not trying to make nobody happy no more cause she can’t do it and they’re gone at the end of the month anyway, and she needs to spend her time searching for jobs and somewhere to live. I let the comment pass as it wasn’t technically directed at me but at her husband. They were in our office area.

My husband suggested a certain management company that rents houses and apartments in this town. That’s when we were informed “oh, we can’t rent from them. We owe them like $5,000 in damages from when me and my old roommate trashed the place cause they were evicting us. “ My jaw dropped.  Here’s why.

The criminal mischief/destruction of property charges? They told us they stayed in Fort Smith and had a slumlord of a landlord and the place was falling apart when they moved in. She said the landlord was claiming damages for what termites did to the doors (which she claims they told him about) and damages that weren’t them, such as graffiti on the wall. Well, it came down to her husband being held legally responsible for that stuff because his name was still on the lease when the landlord claims he saw the damage. They never gave notice; they never took their name off the lease; they just left, according to them. According to them, they let a roommate stay one more day and HE did all the damage. They were letting him stay there even though they knew he had a drug problem, etc. and that he did all the other damages they were now holding her husband responsible for.

And now, come to find out, yet ANOTHER apartment got damaged? She CLAIMS there were issues with the apartment and they withheld rent until the landlord fixed the problems. But, instead of fixing the problems, they were served with a ten-day notice to quit.

I know this area of the law—especially well. Some parts due to my sister who worked in this area for non-profits and organizations protecting tenant’s rights. Yes, you can withhold rent if there are problems that the landlord is responsible for and not fixing. However, the rent MUST go into an escrow account, and then if you get served with eviction papers, you go to court and prove you wrote to the landlord about these problems BEFORE withholding rent and that you notified the landlord BEFORE withholding that you would be doing so and why. And you better have that account statement proving you have the money in an escrow account.  If the judge finds in your favor, the landlord has to fix up the place and you can stay. If he doesn’t, you have to pay all that rent anyway and still move out.  That’s the way it usually goes by law. Sometimes tenants are fined; sometimes the landlords… but pretty much cut and dried. She tried to argue with me about this!

So, now I know what happened to that first place!

Well, yesterday, they left to go to court for him on those charges.  They came back after the kids had gotten home, shortly thereafter, about 4 p.m.  I had already started the boys’ afternoon routines (chores, homework, exercise outside, etc). It was challenging for me because I had to skip my meds which keeps chronic pain away in order to be up to do this but his court date was important.  They were in their room and I noticed I had taken our status on the internet down to 32%.

We have satellite internet. We only get a certain amount of internet per day. MBs worth of uploads and downloads. Every time you open a page, it’s uploading/downloading internet. That costs us status. We have a meter on all the computers that tell us what is left for that 24 hour period of time, except for the lap top we loaned them.  

I have a download manager for a game and I had accidentally un-paused it and didn’t notice until I saw the status. I sent my youngest to go tell them that the status was 32%. Katie came out to apologize for using so much and I explained to her that it wasn’t her or him but that it was me and what had happened. She realized the time and ended up starting dinner. It was around 4:30 p.m. A good time to start! I was quite pleased actually. Was afraid she wasn’t gonna keep up on her end of the bargain cause she knew I was mad at her from the previous night’s disaster and her earlier comment about not going to work so hard to please other people.

You see, she ruined another pot of mine. A $45 pot of mine. This after her husband ruined our $65 toaster… by trying to cook a grilled cheese in it. And she had almost ruined another 10 qt dutch oven pot of mine  the week before. And then another pot on Thursday night/morning.

See, the week before she was gonna “show me” how to cook Mexican rice (is that different than Spanish rice?).  She was gonna one-up me on the Spanish rice dinner I made the week before that. I ran out of Sazon seasoning and didn’t use enough so it came out a little blander than normal. Sue me. It happens.  Well for some reason, her rice wasn’t cooking. We were waiting for HOURS. Turns out, we later learned, that she was using whole cups instead of half cups measuring cups. Well, she gave up on it and had gone to her room and the rest of us had sandwiches that night. It happens, right? Well, later on, I noticed she forgot to turn off the burner! Burned rice right into that pot! We had to soak that pot until I washed it tonight (Saturday night).

Now, Thursday night, I don’t know what she was trying to make, but Jerry told me she put cheese in the bottom of my non-stick pot, turned on a burner and went into her room and didn’t come out until the smoke filled the air. She burned my pot beyond fixing. I had to throw it away. I swear, I thought she did it on purpose. Who puts cheese in a six quart pot, turns on the burner, and walks away? What was she trying to make? Nothing else was in the pot apparently. WTH??

But yes, when I woke up that morning, I was upset about the pot. I was running out of pots and no money to replace them. But I wasn’t THAT upset about the dang things. They are just things after all. Oh yeah, her dog also chewed up my husband nebulizer cord so he has no way to do breathing treatments and right now we think he has pneumonia. Not good. Also, my son’s biological father gave him a GameCube the week before he died. Their dog chewed up the cord on that, too :-/ As I said though, these were just things.

Now, before her husband went to jail they would often use up all our internet status. To the tune of $75 on last month’s internet bill for example. Tthose restore tokens are expensive after awhile!! You can purchase “restore tokens” for $10 each or 3 for $25. The company does give you one free token a month. We warned them that if they did it again, they’d have to pay the $10 to restore it. This was before she quit her job.

Well, my son sat down at my computer about 5 p.m. and said “oh wow, we’re restricted!” I was like, “what?” and Katie was in the kitchen cooking, heard him, and came in and asked too. I told her “Go tell him (meaning her husband) to get off the computer, now.”  Well, we checked our company’s website and got the time it went over status. None of us were online at that time. I was in my recliner doing my mending; she was in the kitchen cooking, my youngest was in the play room playing video games on a console that does not even have access to the internet, and her husband was in the room when it occurred. Katie later claimed that when she “barged” into the room, her husband wasn’t even on the computer.

After dinner, she returned to their room. My husband got our internet restored. He told me he planned on restricting access to the internet via the router to that laptop because he was sick of this going on. I asked if he planned on telling her, and he said he would. She came out of her room later to make brownies for dessert. She wanted to wake the boys up so they could have some. I said no, because people with autism need to stick to their routines. No matter how late they stay up, they’re going to get up at the normal 7 a.m. and then being unmanageable the rest of the day. She understood and asked “Can I feed it to them with breakfast?” I laughed and said okay.

I went and laid down for awhile. When I got up due to night sweats, he told me that she had come out and asked if the internet was working and he told her he restricted them and why. That if it made her feel any better, he also did it to my son’s computer as well that’s in his room. She told him that was unfair.

I thought everything was okay but as she was cooking something in the kitchen and I went into the kitchen and she said “I really think Jerry’s being unfair. He’s punishing me for something I didn’t do.” I said “I don’t know what to tell you. I know WE didn’t do it.” That’s when she told me her husband wasn’t even on the computer when she went in there and if he had been, he’d have been busy clicking things closed. He was on Real Player which had already downloaded videos to it and doesn’t take internet status at all, she’d told me. I kind of shrugged it off as “Don’t know what to tell you.” And went back to lay down.

I noticed the computer on the table. He told me how she’d reacted—not kindly. She had brought the laptop out because they might as well not use it since they could only use it after 1 a.m. (during free internet access time) and they go to bed at 2 a.m. Jerry had asked her how could she when she’s up doing supper dishes at 4 a.m.? She went storming in to her bedroom and a few minutes later came back out and accused my oldest of stealing her last $10 out of her wallet.  We’re talking minutes after her finding out and not getting the restriction lifted, all of a sudden… my son stole her money. She demanded, and I complied, that we wake my son up and ask him if he took her money and to search his room. Of course, we didn’t find it. She claimed her husband had caught my son in her penny jar before but she didn’t tell on him because it was only pennies, after all. Thomas, my son, told me that never happened. I believe him.

She returned back to her room after her $10 didn’t turn up. I had Jerry hook up the lap top. I checked all the machines in this house. All of them. I was able to ascertain that at the time the status went over (from the hour before to the hour after) no one was on any of those  computers online. I tried to do that with the lap top but the settings were set to delete after exit. So, couldn’t check that one for definitive proof-but as process of elimination—if the other computers have history and it doesn’t show—it makes it more possible that he did in fact do it. Right? Right.

I went to bed. I woke up at 11:30 a.m. or so this morning. She was in the kitchen, cooking eggs. It was just for her and her husband, Robert. Nothing for us even though it was Saturday and her “routine” to do so. No biggie.  My kids had had their cereal. My husband and I went hungry. We do that a lot when we’re not feeling well. Jerry, who was already awake with the kids since I get up early M-F with them, told me she must still be pissed off cause she hasn’t said a word to him and stuff. I said “whatever.”

At 1:30, two hours later, she comes out and cooks them lunch. Burger patties. Greasy, nasty things to make! But I was surprised cause they had just ate. She still hadn’t cleaned up last night’s dinner dishes and here she was, making more, for the second time that day. I thought, “Okay, she wants to make a point.” I told my husband she was making lunch now and also informed him if she STILL doesn’t do those dishes, I’m going to speak up to her and if she didn’t like I was going to tell her to leave, in not so nice words. He agreed.

Apparently, my son T was eavesdropping and heard me say that to him from our bedroom door. I didn’t know. He then went into the kitchen and said something to her while she was cooking.  I was sitting in my recliner, relaxing after having done some laundry, and standing up talking to hubby. I was wore out. My son said something along the lines of “I think my mom would like it if you’d clean up after yourself today” And she replied “I’ll talk to her about that and besides, I don’t do shit for people who treat me like shit.”

First all, don’t swear while talking to my son. He has a bad habit of his own with those words that you KNOW I’m trying to curb him of. Secondly, you should’ve stopped at “I’ll talk to her about that” and been done with it. He doesn’t need to be involved, even if he did involve himself.

I started coughing somewhere in there and didn’t quite hear everything. I had a really bad coughing spell and couldn’t catch my breath. I got up and went to my desk to find my inhaler. My husband must’ve heard me because he also came out to check on me. My son came over to me. I asked Thomas in writing, sicne I couldn’t stop coughing, if she said blah blah blah (I wrote it out as above). He said “Yeah, she did” and nodded vigorously.  I then wrote to my husband and told him what had transpired. At some point, she had come into the room and stood in front of my recliner, putting it between her and I.

She said, “I don’t think I’m being treated fairly. I work my ass off for you, taking care of your kids to the best of my ability, and I don’t think it’s right of you to punish me for something I didn’t do.” My husband tried to explain to her again what was going on. It wasn’t to PUNISH her. She’s not a child. We weren’t taking away privileges to punish so much as we were protecting ourselves from an internet bill like we had the last month. We *are* on a fixed income after all.

Well, Jerry couldn’t get that out though. She kept talking over him. She talked over me. Finally, she said “I feel y’all are taking advantage of me and Robert…” and that’s when I lost it. I totally lost it. I open up my home, ask her to work 2-3 hours a day, and *I* am taking advantage of HER? Really?  I said, and I quote, “Well, if you honestly feel that way, grab your stuff and get the BLEEP out.” I said a few more things that I don’t recall so exactly but basically gave it to her. Told her she’s lied to us, we know she’s lied to us, I can’t trust her to tell the truth, and she needed to get out.  Now.

So, she did. She packed them up. By this time, our voices were raised and her husband had come out and sat at our dining room table, which he could see us from there. There’s no walls in the way, in other words.  Jerry told him what had been going on, what the argument was about. Robert said he’d go talk to her since she’s obviously overreacting. Well, apparently that didn’t work because they left anyway.  Jerry did go tell them that if there was any damage like they left in the last place, he wouldn’t hesitate to press charges.  But we left them alone to pack.

I came to my computer and put up a status about all this. I was beyond mad. Jerry was shocked at how mad I was and if the WHOLE truth be told, if I was physically able to, I would’ve decked her in her face for saying WE took advantage of her.

That internet usage was NOT part of the agreement. The laptop and TV was NOT part of the agreement. We could take it away any time we wanted to or not have given it to her in the first place. I had already told her the previous night that Robert could use my computer to search for a job during the day. The only thing we asked was that during the status time was that they use one of our computers in the main living area so we can keep track of who was doing what when. I still don’t think that was unreasonable of us. I really don’t.

Oh and the taking advantage of? Mind you, they didn’t have jobs, okay? No income whatsoever. She had had one more paycheck after they moved in, and they spent it on doggie grooming stuff and other junk.  They’re smokers. Guess who supported their habit? You betcha! I did only buy them roll-your-own tobacco and filters though. Can’t afford anything else! But she would bum cigarettes off of me if I had any store-bought cigarettes. Even if it was my second-to-last one, she’d still want it. They had use of our vehicle, since there’s wasn’t legal. See, it turns out the person who sold them the car wasn’t the legal owner.. . always someone else’s fault, never theirs.

You know, there were lots of things that we did for them, big and small. And I have a huge heart. I love helping people. I get a kick out of it if ya really wanna know. It makes me feel good to make other people feel better. I can’t explain it. It just does a heart good to be kind to others. Yes, I got some benefit out of it this time. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I thought it was a fair enough deal. And we were going to let them live rent-free even after they got jobs, if she kept helping. Just so they could save money. I didn’t think we were being unreasonable in any of our requests. We didn’t push her when she didn’t do a dang thing for 18 days. We didn’t push her in any sort of way really, until we put our foot down that is, about the internet. And the time we pushed her about not letting her dog rule our house. And both times? She overreacted.

After they left, she called from his mom’s house. She asked if she could return for their vacuum or I could pay her for it. I said she could come and get it any time. I didn’t care. I hung up on her.  When she got here, she tried again talking to us. Or Jerry tried talking to her. I’m not sure as I was at the dining room table, folding laundry, and pointedly ignoring her. If I didn’t, I was afraid I couldn’t keep it together and not wail away on her. I was trying to be an adult about it all. Trying, I said, trying! I was still quite upset, ya see.

She said what she was mad about was her missing money. Jerry reminded her we didn’t take it. She said, no she wasn’t saying that. She was saying that maybe our YOUNGEST son had taken it out of her checkbook, out of her wallet, and played with it and lost it. He’s got a more severe form of autism, and yes, if he found money lying around, that is something he would do. NOT if it was inside a checkbook flap, inside a wallet. He doesn’t go through things. That’s not his way. Jerry tried explaining that to her. Then she said “No one was remorseful that our last $10 went missing!”  *jaw drop*

No one was remorseful? You weren’t remorseful when you ruined two pots. You weren’t remorseful when your husband tried to use a toaster (not a toaster oven) to make grilled cheese. You weren’t remorseful when you removed the finish off of my ceramic stove-top by scrubbing it with a Brillo pad because supper spilled over because you weren’t paying attention. You weren’t remorseful when something my son’s dead father gave him got ruined. You weren’t remorseful when my husband’s breathing treatment machine was ruined. You weren’t remorseful that you ran up our phone bill accepting collect calls from your husband who was in jail. You weren’t remorseful when your husband kept using up our internet causing us $10 a pop. You weren’t remorseful about crap. Why? Because it was never your fault, right? That’s pretty much what I said to her then although a little more poetic now. She took her vacuum and left.

The previous Monday to all of this, a therapist told me some people with Autism get easily taken advantage of. He felt we were being taken advantage of by our roommates. That perhaps I should have listened to Jerry about them as he was uncomfortable with this situation from the start. He told me I should trust those around me who love me and treat me well when they say something isn’t right about a situation. I may think I’m smart; and I may be book-smart, but I am not street-smart.

He said people like me, people with autism, often have a big heart and good intentions but often find themselves in predicaments because they are not good judges of character. We have a tendency to see the good in everybody and always want to give them a chance, and second chances. And third chances. There are people out there without autism who are like that, too, but he has found in his time of working with those with autism, that most of those he treats have that problem.

I have learned my lesson. Again. I won’t say I won’t ever help a body out again. I’m just not like that. But I will listen next time when my husband, or my father, or my friends, or my other family members tell me I’m making a mistake. I’ll at least take the time to consider that they just might be right and I might be wrong. For once. Well, I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.

Tonight, after I finished cleaning up all those dishes (took me hours), I got a call. Caller ID said it was the Motel 6 here in town. I answered it. It was her husband, Robert. He said Katie had left to go get ice for his foot, and he wanted to call and apologize for his part in it. The using of the internet. That took us over our allowable status. I told him, we didn’t really have a problem with him at this point. It wasn’t him screaming at us that we victimized him, after all. That was what our problem was. He said he didn’t want to burn any bridges with us. He wanted to remain friends with us. Another friend of theirs paid for their hotel room for a couple of nights.

He said that he had told Katie he wanted to remain friends with us but that she said “Fine. Do whatever you want. But I’m not. They took advantage of us.” He also said she told him when she came to pick up the vacuum cleaner, that we threatened to take her to court for the damage to our floor and the above-mentioned damage to our things. The word “court” never came out of our mouths. Not once.  I told him that.

I also said, that I knew she had done damage to the apartment that he went to jail for, just like she did the one she told us about here in Sallisaw or wherever it was. That she’s going to continue costing him friends and his relationships with his family until she gets psychiatric treatment. She knows she has a mental health problem (she told me the name of the one she was diagnosed with), and he knows it too. The proper thing to do was to get her to a shrink and put her on meds for it. Although, I wasn’t so nice in the way I phrased it to him. I’m not a big advocate for medication for any problem. But there *are* certain mental health issues that one just knows that needs medication as well as therapy to treat. She has such a one.

He agreed with me and then had to go cause she had come back into the room with the ice for his foot.

You see, early in the day today, sometimes between their breakfast and lunch, he had fallen through our kitchen floor’s soft spot. We all knew it was there. Anyone that comes in to our house, no matter how many times they’ve been here before have been warned about that spot. We haven’t been able to get anyone to fix it yet. So, we warn people not to step on the soft spot. I guess he stepped wrong and stepped on it and fell through the floor. He hurt his foot doing so. I feel sorry for the guy.  I’m sure that had to hurt like crazy.

He later called back. He asked if I knew where they should go for emergency housing. I told him Monday morning go to the local DHS (Department of Human Services) and tell them at the window that he and his wife are homeless and need shelter. They should be able to help him.

I sit here and shake my head. I have no doubt she put him up to that call in an attempt to guilt trip us. I have no doubts whatsoever. She often does that to get her way. She makes the person she argues with feel guilty in an attempt to get her way. I’ve seen that before. I recognize it easily. It isn’t going to work. They aren’t going to smooth this over no way no how.

They would’ve had to move out anyway. I’m just glad now that it was sooner rather than later.

And, I may not always be a good judge of character but if Jerry and I ever consider roommates again, I’m getting references.

What’s been happening….

Well, life has been extremely busy these past few weeks. I’ve been overwhelmed at times and feeling strong at others. I was put on new pain management medication that has made functioning quite awkward. I would get loopy or very tired and have no choice but to sleep. I would literally fall asleep at my computer! So, while it’s good I’m actually getting sleep, I can’t function like that (sleeping day and night) so I stopped taking one of them and it’s better. I still get tired but it’s not as bad as it was and the memory/concentration issue seems to be less as well. I am very sensitive to medication’s side effects and this is as usual. It makes it challenging trying to find a management system that works and yet allows me to function.

We have recently acquired roommates! They are a childless couple (unless you count their two dogs!). They help us with the children, housecleaning, cooking, etc. I guess the position is called “estate managers.” Live-in help had become a necessity for us as M-F didn’t work anymore– we still needed the help on Saturday and Sundays. We dont’ become magically non-disabled only on the weekends. LOL So, enough with the struggles!

They’re good people and fit us well because they have great sense of humors and are animal lovers, almost like us. They don’t hold  on to a bunch of animals like we do–but they care greatly about them.

Two puppies (Jack Russel’s) have decided to live under our house (they tore off the skirting). They were dumped off shortly before this winter storm early this week. I’ve called animal control and have gotten the usual run around. We don’t live within the city limits, so we have to call the County’s Sheriff’s office. They say they don’t have an animal control department and I need to call the city’s police’s animal control officer. I call the officer and he tells me to call the County Sheriff’s office and round and round that goes! If I pay $10 a dog, they’ll take them in when they have room (they never do). Sooo… not sure what to do. I don’t want to feed them because I want them to move on from us.. but I can’t watch them starve either. That’s cruel. So, do I feed them or don’t I feed them? They’re not going anywhere….

I’m going to be an editor for an online newsletter for the group Carers About the Disabled.  We’ll have articles and resource links there and it’s going to be on a WordPress blog as it’s the easiest way to get it to the people and the group does not earn any money to pay for its website, so can’t use that. So, all in all, it’s a great way to get information to the people and I’m excited about being involved!

T has had increased behavioral problems lately. I think it’s related to his going through puberty since age 8 and now he’s in that swing mode that normally wouldn’t be that big a deal but because he has a mood disorder in addition to Asperger’s,  it’s even worse than normal teenage thing.  It goes from annoying (such as mimicking everything I say and not because he’s an echo type persona, but snide) to throwing things in anger and swearing and cussing people out. It sucks. For him and for us. For him, he’s embarrassed after the moment has passed and he has told me he is disappointed in himself. He knows better but can’t seem to help himself either. It’s like he’s lost all of his coping skills suddenly. It’s really weird.

Facebook has been a strange trip down memory lane lately as well. I’ve found so many “old” friends. They’re not old as in age, but that I’ve known them from a long time ago. And seeing their faces on their profiles makes me think of those times. Some were good. Some not so good! LOL But it’s been great reminiscing about it all. What I found weird though is that after a few sentences, 20 years have been summed up LOL

That’s about it!

Lustful Thinking

I’ve been thinking lately of certain ‘sins’ that Christians break time and time again because they are human. Human beings are not perfect; only God is. It is believed by Christians that lustful thoughts are a sinful thing.

I wonder about that. See, there’s one commandment, Thou Shalt Not Steal, that has exceptions. For instance, if one is hungry, he or she can eat in a man’s field to squelch that hunger but he or she cannot take the food from the field in a container. There are many such exceptions to the commandments and many of them have been lost over the years.

There are many conflicts contained within the modern-day Bible to begin with. So we know we have to gut-check the beliefs that come from the Bible and our pastors, ministers, etc.

One of those things that I have to gut-check is the ban against lustful thinking. We know that the brain is our largest sexual organ. We have to be mentally turned on for our physical reactions to take place for the largest amount of pleasure. Why? This is for the purpose of reproduction. Evolutionistic theories and faith-based theories all say that the purpose of human kind is to “go forth and multiply.” Those who subscribe to evolutionary psychology will tell you all our behavior is rooted back to that purpose.

Okay, so God wants us to make babies. What’s a sure fire way to make sure that happens? Make it fun! If it feels good, people will want to do it. Sure, there’s a little pain for the woman the first time… just enough to keep her scared and not permitting of pre-marital sex as easily. Although that seems to have gone by the wayside in today’s world.

Part of the enjoyment of sex is the mental fantasies that take place during intimate moments and before those moments occur. It takes place while you’re at work and thinking about going home to your spouse. It takes place as you bathe in preparation for that night’s sleep. It takes place during many times throughout the day, sometimes in the most embarrassing of times!

These mental arousals have a purpose. To make us want to make babies. So, if it makes us want to make babies, and God wants us to make babies, why is it then sinful to think lustful thoughts?

Aha. I think I may have stumbled onto something here. Perhaps there is an exception to these lustful thoughts. Perhaps they are to only be about your spouse. After all, if you start fantasizing about other individuals, you risk alienation of affection and that can lead to adultery, which is against one of the Ten Commandments.

This is the slippery slope humans walk along. It doesn’t take much to fall and go tumbling downhill.

But we can pick ourselves back up; dust ourselves off. Pray for forgiveness and guidance and continue to live the best way we can.

After all the most important of all commandments is to 1) Love God and 2) Love thy neighbor as you love yourself. That is direct from Jesus’ mouth. It’s not to mean that all the otherszxgft don’t matter. It’s just that this two-pronged answer to the question “Which is the most important of Commandments” Jesus gave to us. As long as one continues to love God and love their neighbor, all else can and will be forgiven. That I truly believe.

Other musings of the night

As for the actions of others, ourselves, forgiveness and truth:

We cannot control others. We can’t control our children either. No, each individual is responsible for his or her own behavior. In some cases, we’re in charge of the consequences. For instance, if my son were to choose to not do his chores, he’d get to sit at the table until he decided it was time to do them. See? Fair enough. No fun until you get ‘er done!

Yes, I do pass judgment on others. We all do. If you say you don’t, you’re lying; to me and to yourself. But I don’t judge just looking for a way to put them down and to make myself feel better. No, it’s usually for a different purpose. Sometimes it’s to learn something. As in, “Oh, she did that? And that’s what happened? Well, I better not do that!” Sometimes it’s so I understand a person. And maybe so I can help a person. Sometimes it’s to warn others of what I believe to be a dangerous situation. Yes, sometimes I am catty, as well, although I do my best not to be. We make judgments all day long. Sometimes I judge dinner to be slow cooker sloppy joes instead of Golabkis.

But I am not in charge of raising other adults. I do not put my friends in time-out for misbehaving. Why? Because I’m a Christian. I forgive. I may talk the situation over with them-privately. Give them MY thoughts and feelings on their behavior. But ultimately, it’s up to them to choose what to do: continue or stop.

But it is hard to make a judgment, never mind control, someone’s actions when you don’t know about them. Right? That’s what I thought too.

Some people have been implying that there are certain friends of mine taking actions against them. I have no clue what these people are talking about! No clue—whatsoever. It’s a head scratcher for sure. In the past, the self-same people would suggest I disassociate myself from someone when that someone makes mistakes or behaves in a way that I do not find cool.

Well, here’s the thing. If it harms me or my children, you’re darn tootin’ I’m not gonna be friends with them anymore. If it harms another, I’ll tell my friend what they are doing is, in my opinion, wrong. I may even go so far as to tell them what they SHOULD do. But except for certain circumstances, I do not “disown” my friends. Rather than that, I tend to help them “fix” the situation. It’s something I get from my father.  This excludes rapists, murderers, child abusers, et al. I do not ever justify, fix, or excuse or even really forgive that.

The type of things I’m talking about is when Suzy says to Jane that Jane’s gained weight and hurt Jane’s feelings. Or when Jane says she tried to talk to Suzy because Suzy is doing something she shouldn’t and now Suzy won’t talk to Jane. Or, maybe Jane wrote something online about a stranger that wasn’t cool. Those types of things. Life is rarely black and white and there is a ton of grey area. This area is where the things I’m talking about come in. Even the Bible recognizes the different levels of sin, too.

 

I don’t make friends easily. Many of my friends today fall into two categories: From years and years and years and years ago or “online” friends and associates. I do not have, at this time, a really close, hang-out and play cards kinda friend. I stay in touch with those friends via internet. I moved away from them all. It happens. I’m working on making those kinds of connections here in Oklahoma now. But I have certain beliefs about how friendships work. Most of that comes from my Christian-based beliefs.

The Bible tells us to forgive others as we would have Christ forgive us. Think about that for a minute. Let it soak in.  We got time.

Think about that tiny hurt that’s been festering beneath the surface. Started out so small and now it’s flaming bright red, isn’t it? That’s how it works. If you don’t forgive when the action happens, if you don’t turn the other cheek, it does more harm to YOU than any of your actions in vengeance can do to the person who hurt you.

Now imagine you did something that hurt someone else. It wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t meant to hurt but it hurt someone and you recognize that. Imagine that someone is Christ. Would you want Him to forgive you the way you forgave the person who caused your pain? Would you want Him to keep bringing up all your past mistakes, again and again and again and again? Would you want him to discount the months and months of good you’ve been doing because that one time, almost a year ago, you did something wrong? Of course not. You’d want and expect Christ to forgive AND forget. ‘Cause that’s what the Bible says He does.

Of course, the Bible says as well that you have to actually be contrite about your wrong-doing before asking for forgiveness. If you keep sinning, and not even TRYING to stop, and don’t ask for guidance and help in stopping some behavior, and keep praying for forgiveness, you ain’t gonna get it cause you’re not really sorry.

That’s where the two paths differ here. A human can forgive another human. If person A forgives person B, person B does not need to be contrite or ask for that forgiveness. It is for person A’s benefit to forgive and not for the benefit of person B. That’s the beauty of forgiveness in humans. It lets go of that festering, gaping, puss-filled wound. It lets all the pain out. Person A can move on no matter what person B may be doing or continuing to do.

Interesting side note: I took a break from writing to change the channel on TV. I turned on 19 kids and counting. God bless than woman! But the discussion was the eldest son’s wife and her father went to a prison and talked to the women there about forgiving those that had hurt them. It is so strange that this would be the topic; the very same topic of this post. That confirms for me that this post is meant to be written and published and that God is guiding my hands and word choices

I have done some things I am not proud of. I have done my level best to make amends for those things. I am honest—some say to a fault. Just the other day a good friend of mine, whom I met in 2007 as a neighbor, told me why she loved me. “Heather, you are the most genuine, honest, loving, kindest person I’ve ever known. You never do things just for you; your ulterior motives are always for greater good. For other people. It’s weird. It’s like knowing a saint.” Okay, so I wouldn’t go that far in my own assessment of myself. It sure did feel good to hear though!

She went on to say how I’m an open book. How I don’t lie. And that she loves that most about me. She has had some toxic people in her life. Many of whom lied to her consistently. She appreciates honesty now more than ever. I can dig that.  And I’m glad she thinks so highly of my honesty.

It wasn’t always such a good quality though. I’ve been laughed at, picked on, stomped on (yes, literally) for being honest about what I thought, how I feel or what I think of other people. If someone asks a question, I always assumed they wanted the truth. I intellectually recognize that society-at-large doesn’t always hold true for that assumption. They SAY they want truth and then get all offended when it’s given. I’ll warn ya now: If you don’t want an honest answer, don’t ask me a question.

I’ve gotten better about not sharing things. Oh, not about me and my life. But about other people. When I was growing up, I’d share other people’s “dirty laundry” so to speak. My mother played a large part in helping me understand what my business to share is and what isn’t. Yes, sometimes I share my husband’s business but usually only when it impacts me and when we’re discussing how it impacts me. But I have kept a few secrets. I’ve gotten good at keeping other people’s secrets.

Oh, I don’t mean criminal activity or anything of that sort. I mean those little late-night chat confessions: I once had a crush on so-and-so’s husband. Nothing happened, of course. Just a harmless crush. Those types of things. I can keep my mouth shut.

The fact that I choose not to in certain circumstances does get me in hot water from time to time. With friends. With family. There are times when I had to blab to save someone’s life. I can’t apologize for those things though. I can’t take it back either. But with all my friends, I can say I’m happy to know that most forgive me my trespasses as I forgive them their trespasses.

And why does that make me happy? Not for me. I’m happy they forgive me because that will make them happier in the end. If someone is your friend, you want them to be happy, right? Forgiveness *is* happiness. Holding on to grudges from 20 years ago when Suzy gave you the evil eye isn’t going to make you happy. It’s going to make you bitter.

It will color your perception of the world and how other individuals are treating you. You may think something or someone is attacking you when it’s really not that. You may think something written is about you or meant to be about you but it isn’t. These bitter thoughts and this anger may consume your whole being one day until there is nothing left under the skin. How tragic would that be?

So yes, I’m happy my friends can forgive me when I mess up. I’m happy that I can forgive those who mess up and hurt me. I’m happy that the friends in my life today and the family in my life today can deal with my blunt-force honesty. I don’t have to second guess myself later on when someone stops talking to me about which thing I said it was that they found “rude.” Because they will be just as genuinely honest with me and when I say something messed up, they’ll tell me “Heather, that was wrong.” and let it go.

Forgiveness is truly a blessing for the person who can forgive. Bless yourself today and forgive those that have hurt you. Even those that have hurt you worse than the topics I’ve mentioned here. Not for them; but for yourself. For your own happiness.

 

 

 

Update: Full Disclosure

Well, I learned that there are those that read my blog. Who knew? The stats said 0 views for so long, I had no clue people were actually reading it because I stopped checking! So, when back in April, I began having marital issues with my husband, I blogged about it. I blogged about a personal issue that, perhaps, in hindsight should have remained private and off the web. However, I’ve never been known for my “private” life being private.

Well, now that it’s out there, there’s been some misrepresentation of a few things about what my original post titled “Full Disclosure” actually said. And some people are questioning my Christianity because of the “status” of my marriage.

1.      I never said the Bible said it was okay to cheat on your spouse.

2.      I never made reference to any Bible quotations and/or my religious faith in the original post.

3.      I never said that we had acted upon our original intent to have an open relationship.

4.      I never said that I wanted to act upon that intent NOW or back in April.

In fact, what I *did* say was that it had been our original intent. I had wanted a one-sided open relationship whereupon I was free to “date” someone else. This, at the time of our getting together, did not imply SEX, necessarily. You see, I had other friends at the time. I did not want to give up those friends for someone I had met online. I didn’t want to give up my friends for someone who may or may not stay with me. I had severe insecurities when it came to personal relationships (still do, to a degree). I wanted a safety-net of sorts. That is why *I* wanted an open relationship when Jerry came to Massachusetts to see if we’d get on as a couple.

These others friends of mine, by the by, were not actual sexual partners. I can count my sexual partners on one hand, can you?

But, at the time, I was exploring my sexuality and fantasies. I am a human being and yes, the topic of multiple male partners for me came up. I was in my early 30’s. Jerry, being a secure male, had no problem with allowing that because he knew I’d be faithful to him in my heart. That is all that he cared about. You could call this “clause” to our relationship a sort of test for me. I wanted to see how much he loved me and how much he’d let me “get away” with. There was a small bit of that thrown into the psychological basis for my desire.

Part of the reason the fantasy held appeal to me was that I crave attention. I like attention because it makes me feel special. It makes me feel wanted and appreciated. It makes me feel like that ARSEHOLE from my past was WRONG and I was RIGHT. There are all kinds of attention and I try to stay within a certain type: healthy. Occasionally I veer off that path. This was one of those occasions.

The idea that there is more than one guy out there who would find me appealing and “want” me was a heady feeling. It spoke to my ego. It spoke to the hurt little girl inside of me. It made me feel better. Right or wrong, that is what that was.

I can’t speak for Jerry about this but I have my suspicions. I think at that time in his life, he’d accept any clauses and conditions on a relationship if he could find someone who loved him for who he was—faults and all, too. He’d been divorced and had moved or visited several different women since his divorce was finalized and he had come out of that Abyss. They hadn’t worked out for various reasons (namely, they were not me). I think it was getting to HIS ego that these relationships kept falling through. Maybe he was afraid he didn’t have “it” anymore and so he’d better find someone and hang on—even if it meant being “okay” with an open relationship.

Once we met in person and began dating, there was no one else. Not for either one of us. We were busy falling in love and I found out a wonderful thing: Given proper healthy attention was just fine with me. I didn’t NEED these other guys, so why try for any more? I had all I needed in a mate. The subject didn’t come up again for us at that time.

Fast forward a few years and things were getting bumpy. We’d begun fighting again (there were initial fights as there are often are in MY relationships, because I tend to push, and Jerry pushed back). This time though wasn’t about pushing him away just to avoid getting hurt. It wasn’t about my insecurities. I had some real issues with our marriage: lack of attention. There were other issues but this is in direct relation to the topic at hand.

We used to engage each other in discussions of politics, religion, history and psychology and sociology and so on. We’d watch movies together. We’d watch the news and yell at the screen together. We’d go on “lunch dates” when the kids were in school. He had even taken to playing cards with me at one point. And then, bam, all that had ended and I didn’t know why. I should have as I had been here before in my previous marriage.

Of course I thought the problem was me, as I did at the time of my first marriage. As I explained in my original post, there were sexual issues as well at that time. If I’m getting attention of the kind mentioned in the above paragraph, I don’t even think about the sex issue. That was something Jerry didn’t understand. He thought if he paid attention (or gosh forbid, cuddled on the couch with me), I’d expect bedroom activity. He wanted to avoid that at all costs, it seemed. At the time, I had no clue why and again, as I originally stated in my post, I took something he had said and twisted it to be what I thought I’d heard instead of what he ACTUALLY said to me. Maybe it’s the auditory processing issue? Yeah, we’ll go with that *grins*

At any rate, he was speaking about the sex issue and I was speaking about the attention issue. And he brought up the fact that we had once said we’d have an open relationship. I thought that meant he didn’t want me—not even as a person to spend time with watching TV or playing cards. I thought he meant he just wanted a roommate. He thought I was talking about sex and he could NOT do that (health issues). So, as a fix, Jerry thought he’d let me “date” others. He’d be a nice guy and give me what I “wanted.” Except that isn’t what I was saying. LOL..

 

I laugh now about the misunderstanding. At the time it broke my heart. Strange how feelings and desires and thoughts change, no?

In my original post, about Jerry’s idea, I was journaling to get my head around it. During that post, I made mention SEVERAL times those issues I had with doing the open marriage thing. See, I was okay with the IDEA of an open RELATIONSHIP. I have problems/issues/concerns with an open MARRIAGE.

Marriage is quite different than a relationship, wouldn’t you say? Sure, it’s “only” a piece of paper to some people. To me, it means a whole lot more. Til death do we part. What God has put together, let no man rent asunder. We’re talking commitment to ONE person, here. We’re talking a HUGE deal here. I don’t enter marriage lightly. My faith dictates that it not be so. After all, if you’re not ready to commit to a single individual, why get married??

Ah, and that’s where some people would question me. How could I possibly think pre-marital sex and group sex and open relationships, etc et al is okay if I’m a Christian? When did I ever say it was okay for a Christian to do ANY of this? I have never said it was “okay” with Jesus. That was one of my issues, after all, with an open MARRIAGE.

But here’s some breaking news for you people: I’m a human being. I have faults. I fall off the path occasionally. I get weird thoughts and ideas. Sometimes I act on them. Sometimes I do not. Okay, most of the time I don’t act on them. But aren’t they sure fun to think about?  (Another post on lustful thinking being a ‘sin’ will be forthcoming).

I do not say I’m a Christian just to say it. I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe in the Trinity of God, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe Mary conceived a child without sex! Is it so hard to fathom I might think it is okay to have an open relationship? And somehow justify it against my religious beliefs? Of course I could and did. It’s quite easy and humans have been doing it since the dawn of religion.

I’m not perfect. I never said I am. In fact, in another blog post, I said I am NOT perfect. I know I have faults and flaws. It’s part of my charm!

For those readers who are actual friends of mine and care about my general well-being, I am happy to report that Jerry and I are doing better. We’re not where I’d like us to be yet, but as I ended the post in April, I do have hope. Hope is something I did NOT have with my first husband. I didn’t give up on the first marriage either. We were married until his death. I won’t divorce Jerry either. And I know he’s not leaving (he can’t run fast enough! ha!). Seriously, we’re doing better. And no, we have not dated anyone else—sexual or otherwise.

Depression is a hard thing to battle. My first husband committed suicide after a years-long battle with it. He had left me when I was pregnant with our youngest son to be with another woman—who also left her husband and children behind. He did this because he thought being married and a father was “too much work.” He “wasn’t happy.” He learned that it wasn’t the relationship he was in. It wasn’t where he was living. It wasn’t who he was or wasn’t with. The problem was in his mind. You can run away from your own mind and so he took his life instead. I do not advocate suicide. It’s a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Obviously.

However, Jerry is not trying to run from his issues with depression. He is seeing a counselor and that counselor is helping us, our family. Family therapy and individual therapy can mend many a great thing. It gives Hope. Hope is the only tool against the despair of depression. If you had to walk a day in Jerry’s shoes, you’d be depressed too.

What we have to work on now is getting Jerry’s mind to catch up to his current situation. We have to get me caught up to our current situation. I have to start dealing with our marital issues as our marital issues and NOT my marital issues with my first husband. He has to do the same thing. He has to realize that I am not his ex-wife and our children (his step-children) are not like his biological children. We’re all a whole set of new people and we have different ways of doing and being. We have to make mental adjustments to that. What we did in the past won’t work now in the present because we are all different individuals. A great crash course in blending families.

Now, I don’t speak about other religions because, quite frankly, they’re not party to this conversation. Jerry is a non-practicing Christian. By that, I mean his faith in Christ has been rocked. He has begun his blog series titled “Transitions” which will speak about that, I’m sure. He was a member of a church his whole life. He was a chairman of the Evangelism Commission of a United Methodist Church (which I believe I’d recognize as a “deacon” of sorts). He was very active in church life until his faith was rocked. Does that make him less of a Christian? I don’t think so. He’s still being tested and I’m sure when he comes out on the other side, his faith will be restored and even stronger than ever. The Bible is full of accounts of people’s faiths being tested.

I believe in all paths to God. I don’t care what you call that God. I don’t care if you believe in multiple Gods. If you want to know about MY beliefs, I’ll tell you about them. If you want to debate about MY beliefs, I might even give that a go as long as you agree that logic and reason has no place in the debate. And, if you don’t believe in any higher power at all, that’s just ducky too. I’ll pray for you (although I’m not likely to tell you that) so that you can find a path to God. But that’s just one of those Christian duties of mine: to pray for non-believers.

Occasionally my beliefs differ from the Bible. For instance this thing against homosexuality? Hogwash. I do not believe that my loving, kind, caring God would create a human (and yes, science proves that homosexuals are born that way) and turn around and say “It’s an abomination!” No, no. That was man’s additions to the text, in my opinion. Why? Well, that’s a topic for another discussion. The point I’m trying to make is this: I call myself a Christian. I’m a believer in the Bible. However, not the ENTIRE Bible do I believe because it was written by man and men make mistakes. They’re human. It’s been thousands of years since it was originally written (the parts thereof) and who knows if the translators got it all right? So on and so forth. Some “books” of the Bible have even been left out!

So I do a gut check. Does this action feel RIGHT to me? Is this something I’d like someone do to me? If the answer is no, then I don’t do it. If the answer is yes, I do it. Of course, I get some false positives and such doing it this way but I am guided by my conscience more than anything else.

So, yes, I can be a Christian and make mistakes. I have a Lord who forgives and forgets. He can turn the other cheek. When I do something I feel is wrong, I stand up and say so. I go to the person I’ve hurt and apologize. If I have truth on my side, I do not. If I feel I did the right thing, I will keep on doing the right thing and praying for God to guide my actions and thoughts on a daily basis. I may apologize or feel sympathy if it causes hurt and pain in someone. But I’ll keep doing what I believe is right and just.

 

E-mealz: losing weight, saving time and money

Okay. I’m not usually a walking advertisement for products/services on my blogs. I do product/service reviews for my Examiner column (yes, I’m back writing there). I do share information on my facebook page about products/services. I do retweet and tweet about products, services and/or groups.  But usually my personal blog doesn’t do all that much of that (except that contest I entered and won a desk for).

 

This post will also be an exception because I HAVE to tell you all about this: E-mealz. AWESOME!

 

I have autism and grocery shopping (well, shopping of any kind) has always been a hassle for me. Also, I have trouble with decision-making skills. Also, too, I hate spending money on food. LOL But I also have trouble if the grocery store is crowded and let’s face it, they NEVER have enough lanes open when you go to check-out. Being all bumper to bumper with people.. **shudders**

I signed my house up for e-mealz about a month ago after a therapist suggested it to us. You see, I’d spend hundreds a month on groceries and STILL have no idea what to make for supper. I’d buy extra junk just because I couldn’t decide what I’d need to have on hand. I have over 400 cookbooks in my house that I love to collect and go through to get ideas for dinner–but I can never decide which ones to do! I’m afraid to try new foods.

For a long time we did operate on a meal plan. I spent hours every Sunday choosing meals (with the input of my two boys and my husband) and making lists (by meal) and so on. THEN I’d take the coupon section and go hunting to see which stores had which items I needed on sale or have a coupon for. While I actually enjoyed the activity (autism-issue), it did waste a lot of time and money because, quite frankly, I wasn’t that good at it.

Since I hated shopping, I’d resist going to multiple stores to get the best deal. I like going to ONE store. Well, that meant adjusting the meal plan to what that one store had on sale and vs. what my family would eat/try to eat. With children who have autism, they have picky-eater syndrome so it can be rough-going!

Well, once I started using the meal plans at e-mealz, I saved a HUGE amount of time as it was all done for me. I had a meal plan based on the grocery store I go to the most often. There were meals that were new to all of us–so the kids were more willing to try something new if mom and dad were trying something new too. And because three out of four of us have weight issues, I chose the low-fat meal plan. My husband has lost 20 lbs! In.a.month! My oldest son has lost 10 lbs. I have lost five. Isn’t that always the way for women?

And the money saved! I’d buy things at the store just to buy SOMETHING to get out of there. Well those things were wasting away on my shelves because I never knew what to do with them or the kids weren’t willing to eat them. No more wasted food! And because all the meals are based on sale-priced items, I’m saving over $100/wk on groceries. The economy is tight for a lot of folks, so saving money is always a good thing!

 

There is a catch to all this. Isn’t there always? You see, it does cost money to join their service. It’s $5 a month. Paid in 3 month installments (so $15 at a time, every 3 months; that’s 4 times a year, for a total of $60 a year). But considering I easily save $1200/year… I think it’s still a win for those who use it!

 

I do wish they had an option for inputting allergies (for instance Thomas can’t eat pears and I can’t eat seafood of any kind or too much tomatoes). But I’m hoping they’ll have that option soon…

 

They do have different meal plan types, including gluten-free, low-carb, low fat, etc. They can personalize it for couples or roommates, etc. Whatever makes up your “family”, they seem to have a plan for! It is also only for one meal a day– you can easily have left-overs for lunch the next day and add a box of cereal for breakfast (or a dozen eggs and loaf of bread, etc.).  The traditional serving size of the meals that go with our plan is four-six servings per meal. We have four people in our family unit. Sometimes there’s more than six servings and then we invite people to join us for supper, share the left-overs with our friends, or whatever. None of it goes to waste. But usually there are six servings.. we use four at supper time, and then when the boys are in school, Jerry and I have the left-overs the next day as our lunch. If we don’t, we take a night off and have Left-Overs night. I do have a cookbook that teaches you how to take left overs from one meal and turn it into a fresh meal the next day. Which is handy to have when one doesn’t “like” left-overs like my husband sometimes doesn’t.

 

Thomas and Brandon both have enjoyed the variety of foods we’ve had. Although Thomas has missed cooking his meals since we got this super-duper helper lady who prepares the meals ahead of time so we can just pop them in the oven later, he loves the new food. Tonight was Saucy Pork Chops and served with steamed white rice, broccoli florets, apple sauce and cornbread. C’mon.. talk about delicious! The sauce was made from ketchup, brown sugar, onion slices and lemon juice. O.M.Goodness!  And I don’t like ketchup.

 

Another new food we tried last week (may have been the week before) was Creole Pork and Pasta. I mistakenly forgot to buy the tomato sauce that was supposed to go over the pasta so just sub’d olive oil (obviously used less oil than I would have used sauce) and it was to-die-for good! Who knew I liked Creole seasoning?!?! Who knew Thomas did?!?!?  Even Bboy– who didn’t start eating table foods until about 3 or 4 years ago– ate ALL of it!

 

All of these meals are made with whole wheat items and low-fat items. And I cannot tell the difference in taste (except whole wheat pasta.. just doesn’t taste the same but it is okay).

 

Okay, I’m starting to ramble now but I just can’t stop saying enough good things about this plan. The best thing though? Eating all together as a family. Can’t put a price tag on that!

Proving a point.

Now, I know that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone at this point in time. But there are *still* people insisting on stating that I got “fired” and/or “relieved” from Examiner.com.

So, as proof, I invite you to view the website in question. You will note the date the article was published is the same day as this blog post. Proof positive that I am still allowed to publish articles at Examiner.com.

Thank you.

Feel free to leave me an apology here.

You shouldn’t lie about me if you can’t back up your words.

Okay now… Seriously??

I was informed just moments ago that there was some person going by the name of “Barry” who mentioned on a blog post that I was “relieved” of my Examiner.com position. So, I’m going to update y’all on that (even though I had mentioned this is a post before).

The reason I no longer write for Examiner.com is actually more than one reason. Examiner.com did NOT “relieve” me of this position. In fact, if I wanted to post an article right now, they’d be happy to have it.

Now, one of the reasons I stopped writing for Examiner.com is the same as the reason why I have stopped publishing articles for many publications (both online and offline). I am sick. I don’t feel good. I can’t promise to have a regularity that many of them require. One site I was writing for likes having 4-7 articles a day. So, rather than trying to keep up with them and make myself sicker (from lack of rest), I’m on hiatus from my paid writing gigs.

Secondly, I had another problem with writing for Examiner.com that was specific to that website. You see, their application process no longer appears to be what it was when I first signed up. They no longer appear to check credentials, references, and so on. Someone now can just go to that website, claim they are a doctor, and start writing and getting paid for it. While they do apparently do “background checks” still, they do not appear to check anything else at this time.

I was sold on a partnership of sorts with Examiner.com. I would be a freelancer, get paid for writing for Examiner.com. In addition to that, Examiner.com sold itself as a “reputable” news source. With this current application process (to reach their goal of 85,000, never mind that half of their current writers are no longer active), I no longer believe they are a “reputable” news source. If Sally can sign up and write as Sally, M.D. and began making all kinds of statements, whether true or not, and no one at Examiner.com is going to bother to check that Sally really *is* an M.D., I don’t think I want to write for them anymore.

I am not the only writer who wrote for Examiner.com and feels this way either. There’s a whole bunch of us. Complaints on their community board either go without comment, or the responses are simply meant to placate us and nothing gets changed.

And that was BEFORE the problems with the new Examiner.com web design. Ick. I’m sure it’s a great experience for users– but as writers, we have many problems with functionality of the various tools we need to produce a good looking piece of work.

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Another issue that was brought to my attention is that I never “updated” anyone on my license status following the February incident where I had been arrested. My apologies.

It ended that night. I paid my fines and left the jail. There was no further court date. It was a traffic violation. I went to the DMV office I was told to go to with my paperwork from the police and got my license back in good standing (I was driven there).

The warrant was for “failure to appear” in a civil matter (the traffic violation). I stuck the ticket on my husband’s desk when I got home that day that I got the ticket. That’s when I learned that there was NO amount to pay written on that ticket. So how could I immediately gather up the funds to go pay it right away *if* I did not know HOW MUCH to pay?

So, I waited for their letter to TELL me how much to pay. I figured, since I wasn’t planning on fighting the ticket, perhaps they’ll MAIL me a letter stating the amount AFTER the court date (of Dec. 19, 2009). I didn’t get a notice about missing the court date until AFTER the time period they gave me (for paying the ticket after the court date) in the letter lapsed.

Okay, the letter informing me that I had “failed to appear” at the court, was dated 12/22/2009. The letter further stated that I had 15 days from the date of that letter to pay the associated fines (for the ticket and the failure to appear). If I failed to pay within those 15 days, my license will be suspended. There was NO mention of any warrant of any kind.

That is *all* the letter told me. NOT that it was suspended, but that it WILL be suspended. I never received a notice in the mail telling me my license was suspended or that I had a warrant. So, yeah, I knew that I might get pulled over for the headlight. I took a chance on that and lost. Didn’t know my tags were also expired at that time. As was my husband’s driver’s license, as it turns out, until that night. Yeah, i was wrong for driving on a suspended license, whether I knew it was suspended or not. Sue. Me.

The police didn’t care, of course, about any of it. If I wanted out of jail, I had to pay the fines. End. Of. Story.

Yes, perhaps I should have gone to the court house right away upon noticing the letter’s time frame had elapsed. Perhaps I should have called my DMV’s office and ask them if my license was suspended. After I got bailed out, I did notice on the paperwork the police gave me, the warrant was issued that same day the letter was sent to me: 12/22/2009. I also found out later, that my license had been suspended on 12/22/2009. So, even if I had gone THE VERY SAME DAY OF THE LETTER, it wouldn’t have mattered! I would have driven there myself, under the impression that my license was still good, and would have been arrested for driving on a suspended license because despite what that letter said, they never did give me my 15 days.

I was still wrong for missing that stop sign. I was still wrong for driving on a suspended license. I paid my fines. It is over with.

My husband’s license is current. He is allowed to drive as long as he takes his portable oxygen unit when out-of-doors, as cleared by his physician. Yes, this is a fairly recent change. Previously my husband was restricted from driving while a certain medical problem was clearing up. That is over with and the doctor is allowing him to drive now.

****
Another issue: Do I currently drive?

I did then continue to drive for these past months until I learned I was having seizures, in September of 2010.

I do not drive anymore. Unless a doctor tells me that I can drive, I don’t plan on driving. I’m not sure yet what is causing these seizures. I will be seeing my neurologist on the 14th. While I do have family members who have a history of epilepsy, I do not have such a history. There could be many causes for seizures, one of which is one form or another of epilepsy. There could also be a cause not related to epilepsy at all and if we solve that problem, the seizures will go away. Quite frankly, that is what I am hoping for.

However, the doctor’s office called with the results of my most recent MRI which was “normal.” That’s good news and all… but it rules out calcification on the brain and such that would cause the seizures. It’s an ongoing health problem for me and I am seeking treatment for it.
****

While I am glad to learn that there is concern for my general well-being out there, let me say that my blog does NOT detail my life, moment by moment. There will be time gaps and topic drops. That’s just a part of WHO I am. This blog only serves a mere glimpse into my personal life, as an individual.

I’ve always been this way. I intensely focus on a subject until I absorb all that I can from the experience, or study, or what have you, and then I move on and intensely focus on another subject. There *are* certain exceptions.

I intensely focus on my children. That will NEVER change. I intensely focus on my family, for instance. That will NEVER change. Special needs kids are an important topic to me, and THAT will never change. My husband is a focus for me, and THAT will never change. This list is not an exhaustive list but it certainly covers a lot.

Now the way I show my intense focus on family may differ. For instance, right now I’m focused on keeping in touch with them via Facebook. I don’t mean my kids. I mean extended family members. Maybe in a few weeks, I’ll be more intensely focused on using another platform for staying in touch but Facebook really seems to work for us all. I prefer text over phone calls and my family was not on Twitter.

I was intensely focused on using Twitter for quite some time. But as one can see, I haven’t been all THAT active on it lately because my focus shifted to Facebook.

Right now, my game (or escape) of choice is CafeWorld. In a week or two, when I get bored, I might focus on Market Street again or Mafia Wars. Who knows?

My point is this: Yes, I may drop topics on this blog. If I do that, feel free to leave a comment, send me an email or post on my REAL Facebook wall and let me know you want an update. I’ll be happy to share with you. I just can’t promise it WON’T happen again because I know what the truth of the matter is. That truth is it WILL likely happen again.